sunshowerdance

Danish Cookie Dilema

2012-01-03T23:18:00.000-08:00

You know those "Danish" cookies that come in round tins that you see all over around Christmas time? Have you noticed that they are not all the same? Have you also noticed that while they all seem to use the exact same immages of these cookies, after the tin is opened they don't always look like they do on the outside? It seems to me that the real ones are getting harder and harder to come by. I find this quite annoying. Some of them don't have the large sugar crystals like in the pictures, just normal sugar sprinkled on top - which is Not the same. It has an entirely different effect. Some of them don't even have any sugar on them at all which is terribly disappointing! Now normally there are a couple types in the tin that don't have it, but I've encountered tins in which all the ones that normally do have the sugar don't. And then there are the ones that are much too soft and crumble apart into fine dust almost at a mere touch. The Real ones are hard crisp short-bread like cookies, but these alternate ones seem to be a lot more airy, don't have the proper crunch, and turn slightly chewey and stale really fast. There are also the ones that taste like coconut which is just wrong! The trouble is that there is no way to tell if you've got the right ones before they are open, and then it's too late to take them back.

the things I think about

2011-12-28T15:54:00.000-08:00

There was a fly on the window today, wandering about in a way that seemed to denote desperate confusion as to why it could see the light but couldn't fly any further. And this got me thinking of flat worlds and what the edges of them are like, and invisible force-fields. And then I got to thinking of philosophies fom the fly's perspective. Perhaps some would say that there is nothing beyond this house, and others will say there is, or even that they have been there, although everyone thinks they are crazy. And some theorize that what you see "through" the forcefield is actually just a picture visible on the forcefield. And then of course you have philosophers pondering why there would be pictures of things that appear to be beyond? Was it for hope, was it to make you think about things beyond your small place in the world, was it a nasty joke by a trickster god? And the conspiracy theorists who say that it's all part of an experiment made by giant aliens to study the psychological effect on little creatures of seeing somewhere you cannot get to. And still others say to just come away from the walls and stop bothering about it because what does it matter anyways when there is life to be lived in here.

Tree Decorating

2011-12-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

We all have different ideas about what makes a good christmas tree, Noble or Douglas, White or Coloured lights, Themed or Sentimental, Bought or Hand-made decorations, Garlands, Edible Treats, Tinsle, Flocking, etc. But there is good and bad decorating technique which applies across the board. Probably this is all old news to you, but I was thinking about it and decided to procrastinate decorating by making a blogpost! ;P

The important technique is what I call "Stashing." Trees are 3-dimentional objects and ought to be decorated that way. Simply winding a string of lights around the tree and hooking some ornaments to the outer tips of the branches makes for a sad and droopy tree after a few days when all those tips have begun to sag under the weight, not to mention it tends to look like a hokey cluttered bulletin board.

First off it is very important to put the lights IN the Christmas tree. Since many decorations are made to have lights shining behind them you have to put the lights on so that they CAN be behind the ornaments, rather than all on the same plane. When the lights are Stashed back inside the branches not only will the tacky wires be hidden, but they will create a much more 'twinkly' affect when you walk around the tree as they wink in and out of view behind the greenery, and they will create better patterns on the walls when the other lights are turned out. As I put the lights on I like to make a swervy path as I go around putting some way back in near the trunk and some closer to the tips, especially in places where I might want a light shining directly under an ornament. It's convenient to scout out the nooks and alcoves while putting on the lights and be thinking about where you might want certain lights arranged to coordinate with certain ornaments. While it may not seem like the lights inside by the trunk are doing much, they help give more dimension to the backdrop and create a warmer glowy feeling. Without lights back near the trunk, the inner recesses of the tree are dark mysterious caverns instead of cozy nesting places for your decorations.

When you're ready to put on the ornaments please, oh please, don't go for the 'pin the tail on the donkey' technique. It may seem counter-intuitive, but to really show off the ornaments you need to partially hide and/or frame them in the natural alcoves created by the branches. You want the ornaments to look like they are part of the tree, not just tacked on. I know you want to SEE and Show Off your ornaments but it's more imporant that an ornament looks like it belongs where it is by how well it fits in it's nook, rather than being visible from every angle. Search for natural windows into the tree and place some decorations further back inside those windows, and some closer to the front. In larger nooks it's often good to put a second ornament back behind the primary one. It can also help the overall affect to have a few ornaments that you don't care to see too much hidden back in the tree just to catch and reflect more light back there and add a bit of colour. Branches will droop less as well when heavy ornaments are placed futher in on the sturdier part of the branch rather than the flimsy tips.

Also, keep in mind how much the ornament may weigh down the branch, especially once the tree is past it's prime, and try to leave some room below it so that it won't just be sitting on the branch below by the end of the season. Don't be afraid to fenagle things to make the ornament hang at the right hight and angle. Sometimes I have to re-bend the hook, shorten the string, drape it over several branches, or attach the hook several rows up and let the weight of the ornament pull it down into the right position. This can also be usefull in creating a larger space in the nook above it. Use the smaller bits branching off the main branches to help hide the hooks or strings by pulling them out in front once you've hooked an ornament on, and never forget to re-fluff the needles of a branch you slid a loop over so they aren't laying flat underneath it. You don't want the tree to look like it's being strangled, suffocated, or confined. The ornaments and lights should look like they are it's 'fruits' which hang naturally among it's branches, so put in a little extra work and fluff out those little branches and needles around all those strings and hooks.

Finally, keep your clippers by you to groom and create nooks if you're having trouble finding good spaces for everything. Sometimes smaller banches behind an ornament can make it hang oddly and clipping them back a bit will solve this. Same goes for branches that are covering up a nook too much. The key is creating a frame for the onament to sit back inside, and the fuller Douglas firs often leave little space for ornaments among their branches. There's no reason you can't trim off more than just those extra long rogue branches. When all your ornaments are comfortably ensconced in their little windows the tree will actually become more engaging than if all the ornaments are creating an outer crust of clutter. The twinklings further back in the tree will draw the viewer in and invite them to explore the nooks and crannies and thereby view the individual ornaments in detail, while at the same time allowing the tree itself to feel like a cohesive whole, rather than a cluttered heap.

What is it with colds and not sleeping at night?!

2011-11-23T00:46:00.000-08:00

you could easily nap all day long, but as soon as you try to officially go to bed for the night, no matter how miserably exhausted you feel, the coughing kicks into high gear and you can get no rest. You spend the night trying to expell your lungs and blowing your nose and tossing and turning with a sinus headache ringing though your head like cathedral bells. You know you need sleep to heal, but the cold seems bent on preventing you from getting any, at least at night.

oh yes, and one of the most obnoxious things in the world is how there is no way to cover your ear at night without hearing the blanket scraping loudly against your ear as you breath.

Why are all the long haired princesses Blond!?

2011-10-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

Seriously.....Aurora, Rapunzel, Buttercup, Amalthea.... Ariel and Thumbelina have red hair not brown. Snow White and Belle have dark hair, but theirs is short. I can't ever do movie costumes right without bleaching my hair or cutting it, or so it would seem. Granted, Cinderella has short hair and she's blond, but still, why aren't there any LONG haired brunett Princesses?

so the ice-cold days of Autumn are returning

2011-09-30T03:15:00.000-07:00

It seems if I'm not melting into the floor I've exhanged bones for icicles, sigh......

Anyways, so much for this so called "Hot water on demand." I've been demanding it for the last 10 minutes, so where's my hot water? It's more like "Hot water on whim." :P

my fingers are frozen now......

sticking out like a sore thumb

2011-07-07T04:37:00.000-07:00

or something......

okaaay, that's the seccond night in a row that something has spilled right as I'm about to go to bed :( I hope this trend stops right here.

Technical Frustrations!

2011-05-28T20:55:00.001-07:00

THAT'S IT! I am never updating any software I am currently satisfied with. I am not happy with the new iTunes and I see no reason why I should need to continually go through the arduous process of learning where they've moved everything when there is NO advantage to getting the new version. Maybe for some people there would be, but the version I had did everything I really wanted it to and I knew where everything was so I could actually do it. Actually the same could be said for the version before that last one as well. Honnestly, this is ridiculously annoying. I don't need to go through this frustration every time they come out with a new version. It's pointless.

Apparently some settings have been reset and I can't figure out how to change them. Such as: it automatically starts importing a CD when I put it in my computer. I don't want it to do this. Currently I am just trying to identify what some of these unlabled CDs are that I burned in the past. I just want to look at them, I don't want to start downloading them, and I don't want to have to quickly tell it to STOP every time I put one in! But now I can't find any place to switch this setting. ARG!

SPs in Movies

2011-02-28T03:50:00.000-08:00

It struck me this evening while watching The Prince of Persia that I seem to like a lot of action movies, and that the main characters in these movies are most likely SPs. That is, Sensing Percievers according to the Meyer's Briggs and Kiersy's personality theory. SPs, apparently, like action, like new experiences, are tuned into their surroundings, prefer a playfull approach to life rather than a dutifull one, and keep their options open till the last minute. These all seem to be just the quality one would need in the midst of battles or chase scenes. The ability to be fully aware in the moment, comfortable with making things up as you go.

I was particularly struck during the action sequences by the idea that such people would have to be exceedingly and instantly aware of the details of their surroundings in order to come up with tactics on the spot using what was immediately available to accomplish something in the present moment. Being that aware of things is rather astonishing to me to think about. While I enjoy small details, I feel like I probably see one while misisng 10, and I take a more slow and intentional approach to noticing them in the first place. My mind is by default focused inwards on ideas, and paying attention to what is around me is less natural. Of course I notice things, everyone must. But when I think about it, if I was being chased I think I'd be more likely preoccupied in my mind with projecting all the horrible things that could happen if I were caught, or perhaps psychoanalysing my persuer. Although I would probably have heightened awareness because of the urgency of the moment, and perhaps more focus on that very instant in time that normal for me, it would still be excercising less rather out-of-shape faculties.

Now I don't believe that I enjoy such characters because I secretly wish I was that way. No, I prefer to be just who I am. But I suppose it is fun to sort of 'try it on' for a moment, or to simply be in awe of it.

love-hate

2011-01-15T03:32:00.000-08:00

I'm really developing a love-hate relationship with Garlic. It tastes so good! I really like it! BUT it just doesn't settle well on my stomache at all. I tend to feel over full pretty fast when I eat it, but I don't think it's actually being full, it's just being uncomfortable and slighly scratchy/burning in my stomache. It makes me have to pee about every 10 minutes for hours afterwards and it also keeps me wide awake all night if I have it in the late afternoon or evening. Tonight I ate garlic around 8. I am still feeling the uncomfortable after-effects at 3:30am. I think I'm doomed. I may have to give up Garlic. ug. It's no fun.

Also I just have to vent that although I love my computer it's REEEEEAALLLLY been getting on my nerves lately because the fan is Always running on high, except right after I start it up....and not even always then. It really doesn't like doing anything where movement is happening on the screen, such as flipping through thumbnails in a Finder window, or any website that has moving things. The fan has gradually gotten louder over the last couple of years, so that now when it's on high it's really loud and also has this particular tone that seems to be playing in the background. It's making me go crazy. Sometimes I can get it to quiet down with ice-packs and quitting every program except apple-works, but other times even when its doing absolutely nothing the fan will just keep going on high for hours while I'm out of the room. It will also get stuck running on high and simply not go to sleep when it's supposed to, although the screen goes black - at which point it is impossible to wake up the screen, and there is nothing for it but to hold down the power button and force it to restart. I am so sick of hearing this stupid fan noise I'm at my wits end. I need a solution and I'm really irritated with the people I've asked who don't take this problem seriously and just tell me 'well it's good that it's running to keep it cool.' NO It's Not. I don't believe it is keeping it cool. It certainly doesn't feel like it gets any cooler no matter how long or fast that thing is running. There is something faulty with it and I NEED to get it fixed!

ok. ending rant now. :)

My Favorite Artists

2011-01-09T07:40:00.000-08:00

Here are Artists who's illustrations bring to sight the sort of things I immagine but have not the skill to paint myself.
Please use the links to visit their websites! It will be well worth it - here I've just got thumbnail pictures I found online to give you a flavor of each Artist's style.
KY Craft

Stephanie Pui-mun Law

Scott Gustafson

Edmund Blair Leighton

John William Waterhouse

Arthur Rackham

Olga Dugina & Andrej Dugin

Niroot Puttapipat

Laurel Long

Brian & Wendy Froud

John Howe

Alan Lee

Tony Di Terlizzi

Unknown Pixie Hollow Artist (Judith Holmes Clarke and others)

Kerem Beyit? (not sure if that's the right name)

SnowSkadi (I don't know the real name for this artist either)

the Brothers Hildebrandt

Trina Schart Hyman

Mercer Mayer

The Artists of Sleeping BeautyEyvind Earle

- with Frank Armitage & Marc Davis

James Christensen

Michael Hague

Pamela Silin-Palmer

Delphine Gache

Meredith Dillman

Sarah B. Seiter

Jessica Douglas

Jennifer Miller

POUL (I don't know this artist's real name)

Shona McDonald

Cicely Mary Barker

Linda Ravenscroft

Amy Brown

Jan Brett

Frederick Leighton

Edward Burne-Jones

Sophie Anderson

H.J. Ford

Peter Pracownik

Adrienne Ségur

Douglas Carrel

Daniel Merriam

Stephen Hickman

Jessica Galbreth

Guitar: a Musical Phenomenon

2010-12-27T21:59:00.000-08:00

Man! I just do not get what people see in electric guitars. How those sounds are constantly appealing to so many people I can hardly fathom. On a few rare occasions I can find them an interesting addition to the music, but on the whole I would not feel I had missed anything if I had never heard one in my life.

Indeed I wonder at the obsession with guitar at all. Even acoustic guitars do not rank in my list of most pleasurable sounds. Oh yes, occasionally they can be nice, the same as almost any other instrument. I certainly wouldn't want every song I listened to to contain flute, or trombone, or clarinet, or marimba. So why, I wonder to myself, do so many people seem to feel that all songs require guitars? Indeed it sometimes feels that people believe that ALL music requires is guitar and drums and someone singing, giving barely a thought to any other instrument. Why is this? It seems to me almost absurd.

My speculation is that a hand-held plucked-string instrument has become so popular because it is relatively accessible to anyone with fingers, isn't particularly loud and grating when played wrong, and is light and portable. Of course there are plenty of other light and portable instruments, but the woodwinds require learning to control one's breath and can be rather piercing when played by an amature. Likewise violins are known for being atrocious in inexperienced hands. Trumpets tend to be loud and raucous, not to mention requiring powerfull lungs. Cellos and tubas and harps and pianos are all large, and the latter two at least can be extreemly expensive. Thus, it seems most likely that for purely pragmatic reasons the guitar has gained unprecidented popularity. Why particularly the guitar, and not the banjo or ukelele or some other small stringed instrument I cannot say.

But while I can understand why the guitar has come to be the most frequently owned, experimented with, and experienced among the general population, I still do not understand how it could have such an appeal as to enjoy the exclusivity that it does, being in most cases the only necessary and required instrument, the primary instrument which people expect to hear in every song. What would modern/popular music be without the guitar? It would practically cease to exist. Try to immagine the last half of the 20th century without the guitar. It seems impossible.

Of course the same could probably also be said for the modern drum set, yet it seems that there is a bit more variation in the realm of percussion instruments used in popular songs. But I think one would hard pressed to find a song on a popular radio station that does not include guitars -regardless of whatever other instruments or synthesized sounds have been incorporated. The guitar is promenent across 'genres' and in both quiet and upbeat songs, and when there is a bare minimum being used, you can count on it being guitar over drums in almost every case, and even over voice.

So I sit here in all my alienity asking Why? Why is the 'western' world so enamoured of the guitar? What is it about this sound that is so universally appealing, so captivating as to make it practically synonimous with music itself? Why do so many people accept it as a given in all the music they listen to without questioning it's ubiquity? Why does no one seem to grow bored of hearing it in every song of every band they listen to?

And Why have I never caught this bug in spite of constant exposure?

I cannot buy the simple answer of 'you didn't grow up with it in your home' because in spite of listening to little music aside from classical at home, I have listened to guitar based music everywhere else - in stores, in cars, at friends homes, in restaraunts, at the movies, in commercials on TV, on hold on the phone. If I haven't gotten familiar with this type of music by now I don't know what you would call familiar. Yet it has never come to feel comfortable to me. Had I the slightest inclination toward this instrument, or the general popular style of music, I would have had that interest sparked long before now by all that I have heard of it, and would have very easily been able to seek out and feed the guitar obsession that so many others seem seiezed by. So how have I missed it? Am I the only one? Is it just a crazy phenomenon? Mere happenstance or convenience that has caused the omnipresence of the guitar? Or is there something about this instrument that connects deeply with most people's souls?

I find myself continually and increasingly baffled and perplexed, not to mention turned off, by the constant barrage of guitar + voice + drums that the majority of the population subjects themselves to.

Slow Reader

2010-11-29T03:16:00.000-08:00

I've always been a 'slow reader' but not in the sense of having a hard time understanding things. As a kid I had a better vocabulary and reading comprehension than most kids in my classes. But my eyes just don't go over the words fast. I was never really able to 'skim' textbooks like other kids talked about. Somehow for me, reading takes my all. It feels like I get locked in with blinders up and dive deeply with my consciousness....or something like that. I'm not really sure how to describe it.

I think part of it for me is my immagination. It wants to fully picture everything. So I think I tend to pause over things a lot more in order to picture them in detail in my head, and it's not just pictureing, it's feeling and smelling and experiencing the emotions as well. Of course that is with Fiction.

I think with non-fiction I do a lot of visualizing as well. But I also have a lot of ideas sparked. I don't just take in what it's saying. My thoughts are constantly bouncing off the concepts in front of me into speculations about whys and hows and effects and all of that, or to other related topics. It's like my mind is busy incorporating what I'm reading into everything else that's floating around in my brain, or perhaps rather that it's incorporating everything else into the thing I'm reading about, as if trying to provide extra context and insight so that I can have full understanding.

What I find particularly interesting about my reading is that although I become completely unaware of the world around me while I am reading, and while I am not a good speller, I am constantly noticing where someone has used the wrong word, or where the phrasing is awkward. These things trip me up and I pull out of my mind for a moment and notice the printed words. I seem to find at least one wrong word in every book, and I find them constantly online on proffessional sites. I'm also rather amazed at how bad many seemingly otherwise intelligent people's writing is. Using completely wrong words, or horribly awkward phrasing, or mispeling the simplest words in ways that are obviously not just typos. It's just so strange to me to see how much difficulty other people have with explaining themselves in writing. It makes me wonder if I'm actually terribly awkward as well and just can't see it in spite of re-reading something over and over before calling it done? I assume other people must skim a lot more, filling in words with their minds rather than taking in each word. I don't know. It's interesting. As much as I wish I could read faster so I could be able to read more overall, I'm not sure I really do want to read faster. Im not sure I'd be able to enjoy it as much. I don't know....

good chocolate

2010-11-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I ate part of a good chocolate bar, you know, a fancy expensive one with dark chocolate. It was lovely, and it felt good. Then later I ate part of one of those regular candy bars like you can get anywhere and I felt so gross afterwards. It really makes a difference. While good chocolate may still not be health food, it's certainly not as junky feeling as the common stuff.

This Halloween I was reminded of childhood and how I used to be able to eat so much candy. I've never been able to eat as much all at once as many of my friends were, and I would save and stretch out my candy for months waiting to enjoy it at just the right moment rather than simply filling up on it, however, I've definately felt a switch as I got older where now I tend to feel sugarsick a lot sooner. I remmeber all kinds of candies I used to like and now they sound repulsive! All those sugar-coated jelly ones? Jolly Ranchers? Tootsie Pops? Blech!

Chocolate candies seem to be just about the only thing I can handle these days, the plain sugar hard or chewy candies all seem sickening. Now, Caramel and Toffeee are still good. Nuts are nice in candy as well. As for chocolate, I really love it, but it's really only the dark chocoalte I like, and the more expensive fancy chocolates are almost always much better than the regular kinds like hershey's. Milk chocolate, and white chocolate make me feel sick.

I do like Sees a lot, even though their actual chocolate is only so-so. A lot of their fillings are very nice, and their pieces are good sizes for a bite or two. I don't tend to just eat a whole box at once like some people, and find the small portions a lot better than something like a normal candy bar. A lot of times I feel obligated to finish a whole candy bar just so that it doesn't sit around open being messy and drooling caramel on my desk. Sees is much neater :)

Spoilers

2010-10-30T02:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I like them. Very much actually. I think a big reason why this is is that I rarely read to find out what happened. Well, yes I do, of course I want to know what happens, but that is not why I stick with a book, or why I pick it up in the first place. What I want, what I enjoy is the execution, the description, details, world, development, the immages conjured in my mind, the use of words. That is why I Like a book. I actually do not like reading to find out what happens. I hate it when things are too tense that I rush past the words to get to the climax. When it's like that the reading is no longer fun. It is annoyingly compulsive, but not fun. Thus I like knowing the basics of what is going to happen and how things are going to turn out. Then I don't have to have indigestion from unessessary stress over a book while reading it and am instead free to enjoy the author's turn of phrase and way of going about unfolding the characters, world, and plot. I don't really enjoy wondering what will happen, but I do enjoy wondering how the author is going to bring it all together and make it happen, just so long as I'm assured of the right outcome. Then seeing all the twists and turns that will somehow lead to that point is quite entertaining.

I have to be pretty certain things are going to turn out the way I want them to before I'll invest my time, attention, and emotional energy into a book. I really hate putting so much into reading something, liking the characters, world, or writing style and then not liking how it ends. That is incredibly annoying and makes me very sad and bitter. Therefore, I like spoilers. They make reading ever so much more fun for me.

People Watching as an Alien

2010-10-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

Not to keep harping on the same thing, but after that horrible bus ride yesterday it's hard not to keep thinking about how strange the human race seems to me. Sitting there on the bus looking around at all these people and listening to them is usually a rather mind-boggling experience. I rarely actually people watch because I have little idea what to think about them and sense in them so little of anything I can identify with that instead of being drawn toward watching and supposing about them, I am confused and repelled and thus retreat rather into my own mind.

There are the businessy people with their tailored suits, their phones in hand, their serious expressions, their mundane conversations with their coffee drinking colleagues. I can hardly comprehend being into business like that, wearing the stiff clothes, upholding the current economic system with earnest interest in sales, advertizing, bottom lines, etc. I look at them and wonder, what kind of person is interested in that life? What kind of person finds fullfillment in desks and files and promotions and I-know-not-what?

There are the bums with their tattered miss-matched dirty clothes and rickety cart. And I wonder what brought them to that place. And why, even if they can't afford things, don't they comb their hair with their fingers and try and arrange their clothes to the best advantage they can. I pity them, wish them well, but yet wonder how they could seem not to even try with whatever they have? I wonder, what do they do all day? What do they talk about? Are they simply crazy? Are they unloved? Is no one, not even themselves, able to picture the bright healthy version of them? What would they even want to do or be in life? I have no idea.

There are the highschoolers in their jeans and Ts and hoodies, swarming in packs, talking, laughing, shoving, flirting, eating junk food, planning to hang out. They all look so much the same. They sport various logos, which I don't recognize though I know they must mean something to them, but that seems to be nearly the extent of the variety. They all seem to be talking mostly about other people, or things they saw or did that are supposed to trump someone else's story. I wonder what on earth they think about and do. I can only suppose. It seems like they mostly just hang out with other people their age - whatever hanging out means. It seems to mean just sitting or standing around talking. About what? I have no idea. I guess that they talk about celebrities, sports, movies, music, their friends, their teachers, their families, games they play, their relational issues, their impressions of other people they don't really know. I suppose all in all that's not toooo different from my friends, we do talk about movies and people we know, sometimes anyways, thought it seems to me that the specifics of the various interests such as movies and games and music that I could talk about would be very different from most others. I certainly can't comprehend just spending all my time talking with other people. How boring! I wonder if they do have any other hobbies or tallents that they develope or find joy in.

There are the very common looking ladies in their sweater sets chatting with girlfriends or attending their baby or small child. They look kind and friendly overall, but again I wonder, what do they talk and think about? Their friends? Their family? Their diet? Their fitness center? Their dog or cat? Their plans for the holidays? Their hairdresser? Their interior decorating plans? Their relationships?

There are the Sporty looking guys in their brightly coloured spandex clothes, large waterbottles at hand, helmets, sunglasses, and bikes. I suppose they mostly like to be active, feel the wind in their face or something? Go places, feel the rhythm of their movement, the energy of action? I wonder what they think and talk about. Probably sports. Who knows what else. They seem utterly foreign to me.

There are the 'hard core' looking young people with their crazy coloured hair, piercings, tattoos, patched and torn black, camoflage, plaid, and neon striped clothes, heafty looking boots, and various insignias pinned and glued on all over their bags and jackets. Cigaretts in their hands, '4 letter words' spewing from their mouths. Most of them seem to have a bitter sort of attitude toward life and other people. They always seem to look rather dirty, and their skin and faces often look worn. Do they mostly just sit around with others smoking, drinking, complaining about the world, and possibly doing other drugs? Do they listen to loud screaming music which feeds their angry attitude? Do they talk about movies and music? Do they talk mostly about other people or experiences they've had? I really don't know.

I wouldn't have a clue how to approach or engage any of these people, though I suppose I have the most practice with the ordinary looking ladies. Whenever I am out about in public it is continually driven home to me how foreign it all seems, and how little interest I have in being part of whatever it is that most people experience life to be like or whatever it is they fill it with. I am always rather jarred when people actually try to talk to me, and I suppose considering how much I don't pay attention to the world around me and live in the worlds of my mind, you could say for a normal person it would be rather like a three headed man just dropping out of the sky in front of them and asking whether they think brown or grey gryphon eggs taste better. First it is startling, then you have to process the alien standing in front of you, then you have to try to answer something which you don't really have any experience with beyond a vague idea by way of association...well you don't eat gryphon eggs, but since brown chicken eggs don't taste any different from white ones you suppose it really doesn't matter with gryphons anyways....wait, they have eggs? ok whatever. The best answer seems to be a smile and nod under the circumstances. Then you wonder why it was even asking you in the first place.

Yes, that is pretty much what it's like. They are all aliens. :D (or I am)

Wannabe Wierdos

2010-10-12T05:07:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this by saying I believe that in general everyone is 'normal' in some ways, and 'wierd' in others. Although by the very deffinition there must be fewer 'wierdos' in any particular realm than there are 'normal' people. In any case, just because someone appears normal doesn't mean he has a lot in common with the general populace. Likewise, just because someone looks different doesn't mean that they aren't in many more significant ways than appearance, 'just like everyone else.'

I was reminded this evening of a line I wish I could quote properly from my friend Joi's days in the dorms. I think it was something like "I thought I/you were wierd, and then I met your roomate!" This is something that has happened to me numerous times in the past. It seemed I would often meet people who thought of themselves as wierd, different, odd, 'the creative type' because they came from families of especially 'normal' people, yet after my first excited 'fellow wierdo' conversation with them I was frequently disappointed. The things they thought were 'wierd' seemed like very common things to me, or they had only a mild interest in less popular interests we shared.

I fancy that perhaps because of my lack of the obvious symbols of rebellion in our culture, my conservative old fashioned preferences in some areas, and my soft-spoken shyness and reserve, people with whom I may have shared a deeper outlook on life in common with, aside from the variance in some of our fashion tastes, overlooked me as a possible friend because they assumed I must be of a very 'ordinary' persuasion personality-wise.

I was recently reminded of a conversation which I have had all too often with others. Somehow music comes up, and I mention that I don't like any popular music. Or I may even use the word 'rock'. To which they emphatically agree. Oh yes, they don't like any of that stuff either. However, the inevitable shows up shortly thereafter: I discover that once again the way I use the words pop/rock and the way others use them are very different. I fully admit that I use those terms in a very awkward unwieldly sort of way, having the barest knowledge of all the sub-genres that have cropped up since the 1950s and even less of an idea what that limited muscial vocabulary actually refers to. In my book, anything beating out a one-two backbeat on a snare drum, and featuring primarilly someone singing backed by guitars is rock/pop, because I experience all such songs as the same. More often than not they start going on about things called "Alternative", "Indie", "Cybertrance" and other names I can't remember. And there they have lost me. I have nothing to contribute to this music conversation afterall, and I smile and nod and move the topic along as quickly as I can. If I let it out that I haven't heard any of these people I will be subjected to samplings. And if it further gets out that I really have no idea whatsoever what they're going on about, well then, they just stare at me flabbergasted.

Of course bringing up one's taste for classical music usually gets one of two responces, either they regard you as a neanderthal who they have just realised doesn't actually speak their language, or they kind of think you're a snob. A less common responce is enthusiasm, after which, again, I am disappointed because it becomes clear that they consider turning on a "soothing classics" CD for studying or sleeping a love for classical music, and any actuall discussion of it is, similar to my case with the "Alternative" people, completely lost on them. They don't like it for the same reasons I do, and thus haven't taken note of any of the same pieces I like, if any at all. They have a vague feeling they like Mozart and Beethoven, because well, everyone admits those two greats, but mention, say, the Moldau and they think you are talking about moldy cheese. Mention it with a earnest passion and they realise you are an alien.

I have very similar experiences when mentioning that I like soundtracks and musicals. They instantly start naming modern musicals, many of which contain songs of a very 'rock-pop'-ish bent. And it turns out they don't like the symphonic scores to movies, but rather the colllections of popular type songs that have made appearances in movies set in modern-day-times (most of which, naturally, I haven't seen so the nature of their 'soundtracks' may not come out right off.)

It does have an interesting psychological affect, I think, being found odd time and again by the people who thought they were unusual. To be the thing that blows the mind of the odd-balls puts one in a very lonely place. It drives home a sense, not of being an eccentric, those places are filled, but of truely being an alien dealing with a world and language a universe apart from one's own. One can't help bringing to mind all those sci-fi movies where the humans have to debate over whether to treat non-humans humaely, or if that word only applies to the specific species of Earth. It certainly does not incline one to be optimistic in one's approach to engaging with others. Yet, I sometimes actually forget this vast difference within my little circle of like-minded aliens and the worlds of my mind in which I spend much of my time. And when I come in contact with one of these relatively normal people I can't help feeling a little like a scientist on another planet trying to discover if the creatures there, first of all, are sentient, and second how on earth to communicate with them (or even if they are disposed to communicating with you at all).

I am not trying to make any kind of wierdo-elitist claim to status by this observation, being fully aware that there are others just as strange and stranger than me out there. And recognizing that I may have some core traits in common with 'the masses' which span tastes and interests which would yet allow me to relate better with people in general than many others may find themselves capable of. I cannot really know how normal I am, I suppose, without knowing all the span of different people. So I make this observation only from my very limited experience, and make it purely as an interesting comment on life and the experience of the few who are truely different.

It seems that many of the mildly different people who consider themselves wierd, particularly enjoy the idea of being 'counter-culture' or rebellious, and they relish the exlusiveness of being in a minority. An interesting thing to note is that often, as Joi also once pointed out about fellow art students, their claim to uniquness is betrayed by the motto they seem to live by: "be different like everyone else!"

Tracy and I were recently discussing the affects of being not just the odd one, but the one people can't comprehend in social groups. We are both naturally introverts, but feel that this is greatly reinforced by the fact that even if we did wish to connect with people more, we simply wouldn't be able to find anything we could talk about with them and actualy manage to relate. Thus the possibility of developing more social confidence was never really an option with any attraction. It would seem that our shyness is actually not illigitimate immaginings of insecure minds, but the result of endless try-and-fail experiences where it's not just timidity jamming up the conversation, as opposed to a more normal person's fear of not fitting in, when in fact they do have all the common knowlegde they need to forge conversations and relationships with others. It's not just that we immagine people don't like us, but that they actually don't understand us.

some thoughts on music and the 'many'

2010-10-04T05:20:00.000-07:00

In reading Lewis' analysis of the 'few' and the 'many' in regards to appreciating various art forms, I think I have found some further insight into popular music. I find myself quite incapable of understanding how so many people can like this stuff....all this popular stuff from about the 1950's untill today. As quoted in my earlier post, he mentions that what the many want in music is a tune they can hum, a beat they can dance to, and a starting point for their immagination or feelings.

While for myself I have rarely found it difficult to remmeber and hum the tunes from symphonies and other things that weren't written specifically to be sung, I suppose it would follow that songs written primarily for voice would be more easily hummed by other people.

I also noted in his discussion of how the 'many' read, that he mentioned them liking books which have just the right ammount of words. They do not pay much attention to the words, but they also need enough of them so as to not tax their immagination with coming up with all the details on its own. He described their approach to wording as reading hieroglyphs. They look for certain phrases, often clichés, which put them in mind of specific bits of....stock immaginings, I suppose you may call them. They want the wording to be familiar, short, quickly interpreted into immages and emotions, and tend to prefer overstatement because anything less doesn't capture their attention.

These ideas suddenly translated themselves into the context of music in my mind and suddenly all the popular rock music (and hundreds of subgenres thereof) made more sense to me. The idea behind readers liking overstatement has a striking resemblance to my experience of music with a strong beat. I find drumbs beating out the rhythm to feel like extreem overstatement of somthing that is entirely obvious - it feels like being talked down to, or like over-enunciated words. It feels as though these bands have never gotten past the need for a metronome. In addition to that aspect of overstating the beat, there is of course the dance aspect mentioned by Lewis. For whatever reason (and this I still don't entirely get) people seem much more compelled to move their bodies with a beat than with a melody. So they need a strong beat to first grab their attention, and to secondly to induce them to dance - to engage in the music through bodily movement.

The almost constant presence of words in popular music also plays into the need for overstatement, as well as the desire to use music as a starting point for the mind's activities. If the sounds of the music communicate some emotion or 'story' the addition of words (on top of what is already stated) clearly spelling out what the music wants to evoke in you is a most extreem form of overstatement. The words also provide a much more specific, concrete direction for the mind so that it doesn't have to come up with it's own immages and events to go with the sounds of the music.

The note that the 'many' want familiar hieroglyphic type phrases and not too many words makes me wonder if this desire for the easily recognizable might explain the frequently small number of instruments usually employed in popular music, both in actual number and in type. It might also explain my impression that it all sounds alike - because a certain form (with plenty of repetition built in) is generally used, as well as the same basic beat drummed out over and over across songs, bands, and subgenres.

I will grant of course that while having been subjected to a great deal of this popular music in my lifetime, I have not made much of a conscious effort to really 'get into it' and thus my observtions cannot be said to be in depth. I am certain that the 'many' would accuse the music I like of 'all sounding the same' as well. My guess at why they would think this is that 1) they have trouble connecting with any music that doesn't have words because they simply do not know what it wants them to think about without being told by the words - so it has no affect on them, 2) without a strong beat to grab them and force their feet to tap they do not feel like they are a part of it and thus find their minds easily wandering away from the music, 3) without specific recognizable instruments playing designated parts and a simple familiar form they do not, in a sense, understand the words or phrases spoken by the sounds of the music, and thus find themselves unable to engage and follow along with it.

The need for repetition in music, I think must be partly because of the desire to be able to hum the tune, and repetition makes it all the more memorable. You can listen to the first verse and then when it comes around again you can whistle along, and after the first time you can actually sing the chorus each time it comes up after. But another possible reason presents itself in Lewis' idea that the 'many' use any art form as a spring board for the immagination or emotion, focusing not so much on the art itself, but what they do with the basic idea it presents in their own minds. If their attention is only periferally taking in the artwork while their minds focus on their own reactions to it's ideas, then a listener who catches the begining of the song and then is lost in their inner impressions for a few moments, if he turns his attention back to the music and doesn't find what he first heard becomes confused and nolonger knows where he is. Is this the same song? What happened to it? He wants to hear the part that got him thinking again in order to maintain the particular reverie he was enjoying, but instead finds himself being thrown into a different set of thoughts entirely. Furthermore, this can explain the overall similarity between the general sound of all the songs on a particular album or by a particular band, or indeed on a particular radio station. The overall similarity allows one to tune in and out as much as one likes without becoming disoriented in what the music is directing you to experience.

The drastic changes in tune, emotion, intruments, and style even within one classical piece, one symphony, concert, or classical radio station could, I immagine, seem to the marginally attentive to be like trying to understand a TV program where every 3 minutes the dialogue switches to a different language. Of course people listen casually to classical music as well, but those who are well aquainted with it and often do pay it full attention will find themselves more at home, more able to recognize a particular section of a piece, or more able to predict how an unknown piece will proceed. Others who listen to it casually do so precicely because they do not know how to fully engage it and thus use it as background noise when they do not want to be tempted to dance or sing along. It is my impression that one need not ever attend closely to popular music or have many songs stored away in memory in order to feel in familiar territory when turning on the radio and being plunged into the middle of a song at random. The basic beat is almost always exactly the same (and even if not it's being hammered into your ear so it's hard to miss), so you can immediately begin tapping with it, and the singer is there telling you what it is about. The tune is probably short and catchy and you'll probably hear it at least once more before the song is over.

It seems to me that while there are indeed patterns in classical music, they tend to span a much longer time frame than is normal in popular music, and therefore demand a longer attention span to understand what is going on and grasp the pattern. Often, especially in soundtrack music which is less structured by rules, being guided rather by the actions occuring in a film, the main theme may only be stated in it's simple form once, and after that one hears only snatches of it, or variations upon it. Such a structure could hardly be understood if one was not attending to the whole of it.

A hypothetical illustration of how the forms of popular vs. classical music require different levels of attention.

Immagine, if you will, an art gallery and people walking through it. In one room they encounter a series of 6 paintings, the same two alternating. Both of them depict the same subject in two different poses, and both use nearly the same color palate. When they leave the room the people are asked to describe the paintings they saw. Having seen each of them 3 times, they will probably be able to recall them with relative ease, or if they saw the first and last while breezing by the rest, they will still have taken in all there was to see.

Now they walk into the next room and encounter a series of 4 paintings. Each of them is different, though in some ways similar. The first and last are particularly similar to eachother, but not quite exact copies. While the subject of the last is the same as the first, the colours are slightly different, the lighting is brighter, the background is more busy, and many of the details have been changed. The second is a contrast to the first, and the third seems to be a contrast to the seccond. When the people leave this room they are again asked to describe each of the paintings they saw. Having seen each of them only once they are less likely to remember them as well, and they may only be able to recall the first and last as a combined immage. The middle two may even be almost completely forgotten.

I Think I should note that, while I do not personally experience much in the way of depth while listening to popular music, there are people who do insist that it does have depth and variation, and being more avid listeners I will believe them. I think, however, that the overall rock/pop genre of music is more designed with the 'many' in mind, designed with what that type of listener looks for as the center or formost criteria. It is created first for the 'many' and anything extra that might please the 'few' in it is an extra bonus. I think that, on the other hand, classical/symphonic music is designed to be listened to and understood by the 'few' and if the 'many' find something in it they can connect with that is simply a bonus.

Pie

2010-10-02T23:42:00.000-07:00

The point of Pie, in my world, is the crust. The object of eating pie is to eat crust. Crust is wonderfull, but on its own, it is rather bland. So the filling and the whipped cream or ice-cream put on it, is like the jam or butter you put on toast. The filling exists to enhance the crust. :D

Background Noise

2010-10-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

I think some music is designed with a kind of "somebody else's problem" field (rememebr Hitchiker's guide?) which continually directs your attention away from it so that it is impossible to actually listen to it. It is, actually designed as complete background noise. Yes. I am convinced of this. How else could I try so hard, so many times, and still not know what I've been listening to!
I keep trying to listen and pay attention to this one album and it all keeps sounding the same so that my mind wanders and I never actually find out if it is indeed the same tune over and over.

This is a problem common to new age music and also some soundtracks. You have a sense of liking the album and it creates a nice atmosphere or mood, but when you try and actually pick out tracks you particularly like it defys all attempts to distinguish one from another.

Wonder-full Music

2010-09-27T02:51:00.000-07:00

This evening I started reading An Experiment in Criticism again, and I noted Lewis' mention of the other arts as well as literature, and his suggestion that we could evaluate them with the same method as he was suggesting for books. This got me thinking about music in particular.

"Many people enjoy popular music in a way which is compatible with humming the tune, stamping in time, talking, and eating. And when the popular tune hasonce gone out of fashion they enjoy it no more. Those who like Bach react quite differently." (Lewis)

I had also watched a movie about Beethoven earlier this evening and the one line that stood out to me went something like: 'What is music? What does it do? It has the power to carry one directly into the mental state of the composer.'

So tonight as I listened to some of my favorite music, I thought I'd write a little concerning a brief observation I'd made to myself a few days ago: That I like music that sounds Grand. I am not really sure if there is any better word for it.

I was thinking to myself the other day, 'what is it that I like about the music that I like?' and the answer that first came to me was the sense of Grandure. I don't like only Grand sounding music, to be sure, but it struck me that my favorite music, the music that stirrs me most, that I most would not want to live without is the symphonic music that has a kind of swelling to it, usually with an optimistic flavor, though not always, which brings to mind a sense of something immense, soemthing great, something that evokes a sense of Wonder. This sense of wonder can also be found in the 'magical' sounding music that I enjoy. It is not large scale wonder, but wonder at a mysterious beauty.

What exactly do I mean by wonder? I think that wonder is.....delight in something that is beyond one's grasp or understanding. It does not usually have a negative connotation, though it often includes the sense of being very small or insignificant in comparrison to something else. But wonder does not focus on one's smallness, nor cause one to be fearfull because of it. The state of Wonder is focused on the apprciation of something amazing, and in this appreciation one's small self is draw out and uplifted so that it too, for a moment, feels so much larger, so much greater than one normally feels.

I love music that gives me a sense of grandure, wonder, enchantment, and beauty. I also enjoy music that sounds urgent and exciting, or triumphant. On the quieter side, I like music that has a feeling of tenderness, of sweet emotions, of being quietly reflective, as well as magical and having a sense of quiet awe.

I think much of the sense of gandure in the music I like is communicated through the quality of the sounds of the instruments - the aural texture. My favorite component is always the entire string section of an orchestra playing together their individual parts - they seem to add so much space and depth. I also really enjoy the deep round sounds of some kind of horn (not sure which of the brass instruments is my favorite) - not so much when they are played high and brassy. I also very much like the shimmering sound of small chimes.

The sense of grandure is also contributed to by the apparent layers to the music, the number of instruments playing and the number of varying parts they play which make up the whole. I am never very gripped by small scale music, such as quartets or solos. A solo embedded into a piece in which many more instruments join it can be nice, but I generally find that I enjoy the moment that everyone else joins in and we at last have the fullness of the music much more than a solo part, however lovely it may be. A good analogy, perhaps, would be the kind of illustrations I like. I love pictures that are so full of details that it seems like I could find something new every time I look at them. So too, do I like a lot of details in music. I like to be able to listen to a song many different times and each time tune into a different layer, notice different details. It must be full enough, detailed enough, deep enough so as to always inspire wonder, never coming to the point that I feel completely familiar with every bit of it. I like the mystery of a myriad of sounds blending together, so that I cannot know exactly what is going on.

I tend to like music that seems to be building up to something, which has a grand finnish, or a climactic moment before dwindling back down to restate a calmer earlier theme. As suggested by this, I like a song to have a kind of landscape or plot. I like music that isn't the same volume texture or mood from start to finnish. Along with liking progression and variation in a piece, I dislike too much repetition. I enjoy restatements that have some kind of variation to them, but music that repeats itself too closely, or repeats even with variations too many times just about drives me mad.

I seem to really like when the rhythm is communicated through instruments other than just drums, or when the underlying rhythm isn't blatently stated. I'm not sure if this ties into the Grand feeling at all, but it is my feeling that a constantly rapped out beat somehow makes the music feel flatter to me, and I tend to find it distracting from the other sounds. Since it is the textures of the instruments which I beleive most captivates me, I suppose it is no surprise that I should dislike having my attention drawn away from that. Why exactly it does so isn't clear to me though. One thing that I think is fairly true, however, is that music that has drums prominently keeping the time tends to be less likely to have a varied landscape, as I mentioned above, and is more likely to maintain a constant volume texture and mood.

Struggling to Identify with the Profile Description

2010-09-16T05:58:00.000-07:00

I am quite curious to know what some other INFPs are like.

There is a lot in the type description that completely fits me, but there are a few things which I feel a strong reaction of not identifying with (which I'm not going to adress here). I also find myself annoyed every time I read those descriptions by the over-emphasis on focusing on people. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels the analysis is unballanced? Maybe I'm extreemly introverted?

It feels to me like in the case of IFs they totally throw out the Introverted traits and focus only on their natrual empathy and care for others, blowing out of proportion their desire to make a difference in people's lives. In my experience Introversion wars with Empathy, it doesn't just sumbit to it.

For myself, while I care deeply about my friends and family and have great empathy with people around me, I find that rather than feeling a drive to focus my life on interacting with people and doing everything I can to better them, it feels as though this is an urge which I do daily battle with. I seem to have at least a slightly greater drive to not pay attention to people or put off interacting with them than my drive to show my care. I feel like this care for other's well being is a secondary thing which is persued instinctively in a periferal setting. I feel the bulk of my attention is directed toward my personal creativity - reading books, immagining, writing stories, creating/enjoying beautifull surroundings, and my persuite of understanding - theorizing and philosophizing about the nature of the world and why things are the way they are. Granted, much of my thought does involve people-related theories, like understanding personalities, as well as understanding society. And I do feel I have an intuitive understanding of how people work both on an individual and group level, and I long for the ability to run tests and surveys to prove or disprove my theories. But my intellectual interest is not limited to analysing people, and is not over-ridden by a desire to connect with them. I connect warmly with those close to me, but I tend to approach people at large as alien beings to be avoided or analysed.

I feel general good will toward people, and if my writings about the things I contemplate can be of use to others, all the better. But I don't have a sense of specifically setting out on any of my endeavors for the purpose of helping others. That is where my issue mainly lies. I'm not obsessed with serving the common good as the profiles seem to imply. My interests are mainly wrapped up in things other than people. Or at least, I have little interest in connecting with people in general beyond an abstract theoretical level - they are out there, and they are interesting specimens to study and try to understand.

When I encounter people I am generally only drawn out to connect with them for two reasons - 1) they are in need of comfort, 2) they are interested in the same topics I am, such as fantasy and fairy tales, the value of forrests, symphonic music, historic culture and art, tea, analysing all those other alien people out there, etc. When face to face with human-kind at large I tend to retreat and prefer to love them, in theory, and from afar. I would much rather devote my thoughts to writing fairy tales, than taking care of people in general, and have almost no interest whatsoever in persuing a career that brings me into contact with lots of other people - particularly needy ones. I care about them and have a hard time resisting, but I do feel an inner resistance because they can be very draining, and most of them are very uninteresting to me.

Just listening to myself talk here doesn't sound like the people-oriented gushing-with-care-for-humanity and ploting-the-salvation-of-the-world-at-large person that I feel is portrayed in most INFP profiles. I am naturally empathetic, yes, but I do not actively persue connecting with others and influencing their lives. If the opportunity happens upon me, I am more than happy to encourage and comfort others, but I'm not out there looking for people who need me or trying to refine my ability to help people and put it to constant use.

I do have strong impluses to help the emotionally distressed, which I do act upon if I can do so within the realm of social tact - I'm not going to butt in where I don't know I'm wanted. But I also try to stay out of the way of potentially needy people because I know I am likely to feel leeched if I allow my empathy to involve me. I'm afraid this all sounds a bit harsh - which I certainly am not in person. I am very kind hearted, and find pleas for help nearly irresistable, but it is never-the-less true that I haven't chosen to make my life a quest to help others. I hope I do positively affect the people I do have contact with, and heaven forbid I should ever turn away friends in need! But I have no great humanitarian cause driving me in everything I do as the profiles seem to always suggest. My interests in immagination and theory will never be forgotten on the back-burner for the sake of persuing a people-helping crusade. The very thought of such a thing is tantamount to loosing my very self. Though I also cannot immagine myself ever being uncaring toward my family and friends, I can easily immagine myself living with very limited contact with people other than one or two very close friends, and would feel no disappointment if I didn't manage to make a difference in the world beyond the very small and immediate circle around me.

So my question is, am I unusual among INFPs? Have I continually minunderstood the profiles? What are other INFPs like out there? Are they all obsessed with helping people? Or do many of them, like me, find helping people to be a sidenote to their most intense personal persuits?

Impossible Hair

2010-09-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

I love animated hair! You can give ridiculous ammounts of it to people with small heads, and it somehow never weighs them down or gets in the way. It never catches on the cuff buttons of passersby nor collects twigs and leaves when it's longer than the person is tall. When sat upon it just magically grows an inch or two to accomodate neck movement. sigh....and it Flows! It's almost weightless so it ripples and tosses as you move your head and billows behind you when the wind blows. It it silky and flows around itself without tangling and matting up. Sometimes it even defys gravity completely and swirls dramtically around you, or stays up in impossible styles with just one tie. Oh! to have hair like that! I love my long hair, but all those amazing hairdos in animes and cartoons are pretty much impossible. You'd have to have WAY too thick of hair to accomplish a lot of those things, it would just weigh your whole head down! alas alas.....

Two Animated Characters whose hair I've always adored are Thumbelina and Megara (from Hercules).

I really like their huge thick pony-tails and the way they stick up behind them. I think I like hairdoes that extend the back of the head *shrug*. I realised today that the impossible huge thick mass of hair sticking way out behind one hair tie is totally possible! Only it's not also possible to have soft swirling waves falling from it. Dreads actually do that same big-animated-pony-tale thing where they stick out behind the head when tied back.....but then they are dreads afterall so they don't exactly flow and swirl in smooth waves. alas!

Needless to say I'm excited to see all that animated hair in the upcoming Tangled (Rapunzel) :D

prospects

2010-08-25T03:34:00.000-07:00

I often find myself very excited and motivated by the prospect of accomplishing a number of different things. But being equally enticed by all I end up unable to focus or get fully involved enough in any of them so that none of them actually gets done. I feel stuck in a state of anticipation and unrealised potential. I really want to do all these things, but somehow actually doing them seems to elude me. I end up wasting time in less interesting, though apparently quite engrossing persuits such as sorting and re-organizing things on my desktop, or doing dishes.

Owlish

2010-08-21T05:28:00.000-07:00

sometimes I feel that if it stayed dark all the time I would stay energized longer. I always seem to feel wide awake and feel like I could stay up all day early in the morning, but then shortly after it becomes light I start to feel that perhaps I am tired after all. In any case I find that I really do enjoy being awake at night so very much more than being awake in the day. I love the dim quiet hours, the cool sweet air. I like to sleep during the bright warm hours of the day, I hardly miss them. I thoroughly enjoy being nocturnal :D

facebook

2010-08-12T02:28:00.000-07:00

I really want to enjoy it with my friends who do, but it always seems to make me irritated.

I like making profiles about myself, I like seeing other people's profiles about themselves, I like posting pictures and seeing other's pictures, I like being able to write blog-like entries and have people respond, I like sending people cute little gifts or whatever that let them know I'm thinking of them. But I just can't seem to enjoy being on facebook.

I think partly it feels too extraverted. All those random updates on the news feed and the wall about what people are doing and saying to other people on there feels like, well....... like a horribly cluttered room to a neat-freak. I feel beffuddled and overwhelmed, slightly dirty, and, moreover, uninterested. It feels like it's trying to make me a busy body, which is annoying.

I also dislike the sense I get that many people on there assume that because you have a profile your life ought to be an open book to them. Although I don't check it often enough myself, I feel like people I barely know are checking up on my status (or whatever) constantly. What? I don't even talk to them in real life.

Of course that's a BIG part of the problem, there's not a good distinction between actual friends and people who are aquaintances. It feels rude to refuse people you know in some capacity when they ask to add you on there, but they're not really asking to be your actual friend. They have no intention of getting to know you well, hanging out with you, being there when you need someone. They are merely an aquaintance. Furthermore, even if I don't add a lot of these periferal people as my friends, if they know some of my actual friends that I have added, they still get notifications of things my real friends have said or sent to me. They still see the new pictures my friends upload of me. So why even bother to not add them?

They also seem to feel the need to send you millions of notifications apart from the automatic newsfeed ones. Kill the Sith with me, Accept a gift of Strawberries on Farmville, Somebody Hugged you - do something back!, Someone liked the movie you want to see, Someone tagged you in some random note, blah blah blah. Now, don't get me wrong. Some of these activities are fun, or at least look like fun. But somehow they just don't seem to hold my attention long enough to get into them.

I know I know, there are privacy settings, you can turn things off, you can not share your info with applications. Yes, but it seems like all that is what Facebook is all about....so I wonder to myself, why even be on there?

Now, I love making profiles which is why I joined in the first place......but I guess I like them better when they sit there quietly and aquire comments about what I've posted/shared. All these other comments and, and... things just feel like a muddle to me.

The other big problem is the layout and those horrible adds. I hate the adds. Whenever I am on a page with adds I try to leave as quickly as possible - which is every page with facebook. I also hate the way everything is crammed together in narrow collumns with tons of white space all around it. Somehow for me it's just super hard to focus on anything. I don't feel comfortable on any of the pages. ....and I also don't really enjoy the blue.

One last thing I find really annoying about it is that it displays all the most recent pictures of you uploaded by other people first, so people aren't going to see the pictures you like of yourself. Most likely it'll be some awfull group shot where you've got red-eye or something. It's really annoying. And people can just upload pictures of you and tag you in them whenever they like and you can't do anything about it. But not only that - then everyone they know is notified that they've uploaded these pictures. bah!

I'm really toying with the idea of quitting it alltogether.....I don't know. Can I mass remove "friends" and pare it down to just the people I actually know well? - without insulting everyone?
Should I just remove pretty much everything on there, and then just not check it anymore?
I don't know. I really want it to be fun. It feels like it has the potential to be fun.....if it wasn't crawling with all those people I barely know, stupid notifications, and adds!

why I like kiersy best

2010-08-06T05:40:00.001-07:00

Today I started some more research into what I hope to someday turn into a website - one that compares, links to, and brings together...synthesizes might be the word...different personality theories. I'm most familiar with the Kiersy Temperament Sorter/Meyers-Briggs theory, and I was wondering what other things are out there, and wanting to take a closer look at them. Yet it seems to keep being confirmed to me just why it's the Kiersy theory that I'm...well rather obsessed with. Finally I was provoked into writing a bit while starting to read (trying for probably the 3rd time or so) Personality Types Using the Enneagram for Self-discovery by Don Riso.

The problem I have with the enneagram, as well as many other personality theories (which I don’t see so much in the Kiersy books -Please Understand Me) is that most other theorists focus so much on the negative and make it sound like all these personalities are dysfunctional. The fact is that most people have their problems, it's a given, but it’s more usefull to look at the basic neutral personality, not nessesarily all it’s problems, at least not right up front. Of course it can be interesting or helpfull to note how different personalities may handle emotional/psychological problems, but that should be just one aspect, not the focus of the profile for any given type. Much more focus should be on the underlying traits which can be expressed either good or bad. The good ways that personalities are expressed ought to be emphasized because people will be impacted much more for the good by identifying their individuality in a positive light. Smacking people in the face with their faults is not a good way to make them open to understanding themselves and others. Reading a berating of your personality in a profile might help you learn something, but probably isn't going to make you feel excited about understanding the concepts, and reading a berating of other people's types will just make you more judgemental of others, rather than helping you appreciate their differences.

I also find, though I hadn’t specifically thought about it till reading a note about it on wikipedia, that I much prefer the personality theories which focus on individual traits and how they look when grouped in different ways, rather than the sets of supposedly all encompassing types. Those "type" ones all seem to have the same problem: you can identify a lot with some aspects of one type, and identify a lot with other aspects of a different one. They paint a picture of stereotypes, but don't allow for all the different variations, nor the degrees of different traits.

Looking at individual traits makes much more sense, and allows for the variety of unique people you see in real life, rather than stereotyping, or "pidgeon-holing". While there may be some very basic underlying characteristics which can be used to group people into relatively few categories, the "type" theories tend to offer much more detail about one group than can be applied to all of it's members. Looking at traits is also usefull in that it helps explain why different types act certain ways. It’s not just that you happen to be like this random type someone came up with, but you can observe individual traits in yourself as they affect different thoughts, motives, actions, and reactions.

I find that the Kiersy method of looking at several spectrums of traits individually allows for much more individual accuracy and deeper understanding of the inner workings of unique people. In the books, while there are 16 combinations of the 4 spectrums, it also makes note of the strength of each of the preferred traits. I think this alerts people to realizing that they are free to read the profiles with a grain of salt. No one is telling them they are exactly like this profile - this is a basic profile outlining different traits which they may identiy with to varying degrees depending on the strength of their trait preferences. It helps people understand better why they may be similar to different people in different ways, by recognizing shared or opposing traits. The trait method to personality theory presents people as unique combinations of many underlying traits - essentially presenting humanity on a spectrum, whereas the type theories present people in a segregated fashion - as being part of just one group, one type. In trait theories one can learn about other types of people while reading one's own profile, whereas in type theories the information is usually presented as only applying to your type and the similarities with others is not noted. Of course I admit to not having read other theories in as great detail as I have the Meyers-Briggs, so perhaps they do a better job in the details than I have seen.

Something I have been thinking about in regards to the Kiersy books is that I think it is also usefull to look at how trait preferences play out in different contexts. People may be more one way in certain situations, and more another way in other situations. It does talk a bit about the opposite traits in Please Understand Me II, but I felt like more discussion and examples of how being on a spectrum plays out would be usefull. I also think it would be interesting to read more discussion of how the different traits affect eachother. Such as - how does Thinking look in conjunction with iNtuition vs. how it looks when coupled with Sensing. Or how might Introversion look in a Feeling person vs. a Thinking person.

well, now I have typed much longer than I intended, but I feel a bit better and might be able to attempt reading more of the enneagram book, although I may be forced to write about my disapproval again. I'm certainly not looking forward to wading through the looooong negative profiles provided in it.

Trying to understand Sensing vs. Intution

2010-06-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

This Kiersy personality aspect often seems hard for people to grasp and understand, I know it has been for me......I think I've got it down now a bit better.

An example of the difference between sensing and intuition:

iNtuitives stand back and look at a situation, and then comment on it - theorizing why it is the way it is, how it came to be that way, whether it is good or bad, how it affects other things, how it is related to other things, how it could be changed, why it won’t be changed, how it will continue to develope, and what other people may think about it and why they may think as they do. - They enjoy theoretical and analytical discussion and mental exploration of things and are satisfied when they feel they have fully understood something.

A Sensing person will most likely be in the thick of the action to begin with, but when they do stand back and look at a situation they'll say "This is how it is" and are content to leave the conversation at that. If they do any analysis they are likely to focus on discussing exactly how to impliment certain tactics and then get right back into action. Analysis in and of itself is of no use or interest to them - it must result in application. They believe that something cannot be understood untill the idea has been tested. Thus their analysis takes the form of experimentation. They do not think one can 'know' without physical experience of the conclusion. Becoming adept at something is a driving motivation for them, and the point of theorizing is to further their ability to do whatever it is well. They feel satisfied when they feel they have mastered some action.

The book states that this trait divides people more than any other. While I don't think I've had as many arguments or personality clashes with people because of this as I have because of Thinking/Feeling or Judging/Percieving, I think this is a trait that naturally separates people as they interact with others. INtuitives are much more likely to talk about abstract ideas and theories, and thus will more often find themselves talking with other people who also like ideas and theories. Sensing people are much more likely to be involved in activities and to talk about things they have done rather than the intagible or things they have not experienced, thus they will more often find themselves doing things with other people who prefer action to contemplation, and talking with people about experiences rather than theories. So just by a kind of 'natural selection' if you'll excuse my stealing the term, people will tend to find they are friends with other people of the same type in this regard.

It is this trait that most greatly affects what you do and what you talk about, which naturally affects who you meet and who you connect best with.

This is not to be confused with Extraversion and Introversion, which it often can be.

A Sensing person who is extraverted will seek activities with other people over solitary activities.
A Sensing person who is introverted will seek activities that can be done alone over social activities.
An iNtutitive person who is extraverted will seek discussion of theories and ideas with other people.
An iNtuitive person who is an introvert will contemplate or write down ideas and theories on their own, and choose to read books for extra insight rather than talking with others to gain more insight.

Thinking/Feeling and Judging/Percieving affect why and how you do or say things.

hmm, Kiersy Types in a Nutshell:
Sensing/Intuition = What.
Action, Experience, Skill vs. Contemplation, Analysis, Understanding
Extroverion/Introversion = With Whom.
Others, Community vs. Self, Individuality
Thinking/Feeling = Why.
Logic vs. Emotion
Judging/Percieving = How.
Control, Conclusions, Order, Duty vs. Discovery, Exploration, Spontinaeity, Play

grilled cheese

2010-04-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

I was just making grilled cheese and remembered getting them from the Eagle's Nest at Biola and they had Mayonase on them! Eeeeeeew! that was sooo gross! can you immagine it? warm mayo ooozing out of a grilled cheese sandwich! blech! I remember being totally flabbergasted that anyone would think of doing such a thing!

a couple of thoughts on a sunny afternoon

2010-03-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

I don't think it's so much that children don't know how to stay clean, as it is that they enjoy doing things it's hard not to get dirty at. And they don't particularly mind getting dirty. Afterall, what is so bad about that? Mostly, I fancy, it is the idea that we look ridiculous or incapable to other people. Practicaly speaking there are some things you can probably do a lot better if you're not fretting about how you look doing it, and there are few messes which one really can't clean up afterwards.

I've never understood why some people seem to like being scared - a totally unpleasant and inconvenient feeling if you ask me! But I suppose perhaps part of it comes from enjoying the feeling of adrenalin. I should rather get it doing things that make me supremely happy, but...to each his own...I suppose. It may also be because of the lack of real physical danger in modern society. (You know how people always seem to want what they haven't got). People, for one thing, usually persue the feeling of fear in ways that are actually relatively safe - such as horror movies and roller coasters. Thus they can achieve a sense of bravery even though the danger was never actually 'real'. Few people can, in these days, claim true acts of heroism, in anything beyond the inner battles of the mind and will. But you can win a kind of prestige from comrades by exposing yourself to all kinds of these safe dangers and showing that you are not terribly bothered by them. Whether or not this would actually prepare one for real dangers probably depends a great deal on the person, though I immagine it would help. So the honor may be to some degree deserved.

one fry short of a.....

2010-01-02T03:12:00.001-08:00

I just typed in barking mad and it took me straight to Insanity

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barking_mad

cereal

2009-10-29T02:20:00.001-07:00

the only thing I have against cereal is that it's so noisy. It's impossible to pour yourself a quiet bowl at 2 in the morning.

In a world without edges, only unending horizons

2009-10-23T15:53:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about creating worlds and making fantasy maps and thinking how most of the time fantasy worlds just fade off along the edges, and how it often feels much better to me that way, than having precise edges and knowing everything that exists in that world. So I was thinking about worlds without edges. And then I was thinking, hey wait a minute, in a way that is our world, one of no edges, just horizons which keep revealing themselves. You think you can reach an edge, an end, a point of Here at last It Is, or I Am, or whatever, but each of those places we see from afar, when we reach them, reveal a whole new vista, and prove to be yet another step on the road, as much an end as a beginning.

The Mysterious Art of Flipping Eggs

2009-10-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

is quite beyond me!
How on earth is one supposed to accomplish this magical feat?

(we're talking the over-easy/hard kind, you know, fried flat in a pan)
The thing could be swimming in butter but it still sticks to the spatula so I can't slide it all the way under!! If I try it just ends up wrinkling up and then bunching on the far side of the pan. I have to get three spatulas to even attempt the trick. I get one in under the edge and lift it up, then I slip another one under further and repeat. Then I try and remove the first one without tearing the egg and get it in from the other side. Then I have to juggle these three spatula handles that aren't all going the same direction and lift the whole awkward contraption and try to get it to flip over quickly without creating disater. Half the time the egg just folds over on itself and doesn't actually flip, or I break the yolk. bah! If only I didn't like eggs cooked this way so much! hehe

Why is a Raven like a Writing Desk?

2009-10-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

a poem has been written on it.

I'm sitting here with a cup of tea looking out the kitchen window at the rainy world, watching a black bird up in the autumn coloured trees and thinking of Poe while this line from Alice in Wonderland is going through my head. This riddle troubled me greatly as a child. I must admit I've never actually read the book and don't know whether it even appears in it, where it's from, or whether any answer is ever given. but in any case this answer finally formed itself in my head now and I was reflecting on the fact that it working depends on the use of the word 'on' in English, and that it probably wouldn't translate well to some other languages.

exasperation!

2009-09-03T04:11:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that I hate feather pillows! You can pile five of them up at once and in the space of five secconds you are flat with the mattress again! They give no support whatsoever. They have utterly no purpose other than to get in the way, smother you, and generally be obnoxious! They poof up around the rest of your head so that you cannot breath, but where you want them to poof, such as under your neck or your ear or between your head and your arm - no! they go flat as a pancake! and they might even poke you to boot!

the magic of sun and water

2009-08-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

There's a sprinkler going in the field across the way. It keeps hitting the roof of the house like a nice hard rain, making a mistcloud as it bounces off. Then as it moves on past there is a waterfall of droplets rolling off in sheets and strands....the light shining on the drops is mezmerising and magical. How sweet such simple joys are! ^.^

It's only a Bug

2009-07-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

aye, it’s only a bug. Only. How would you like it if someone said that about you? But you are different, yes. You are a person, you know what you are, you think about things, you experience the world and yourself and others, you remember, you anticipate. Do bugs do these things? Do they immagine, hope, feel emotions? We do not rightly know. Yet, even so, is it not terrifying to contemplate that your heart, You, would kill something just because it was inconvenient for you?

“Oh look, it’s an ant on the counter.” *Smash*

Have you ever looked at those searching antenas in the moment before your finger comes down out of the sky in a flash and cuts off all that bug knew. Have you ever thought of how sudden and unexpected that ending was? Have you ever looked at your finger and realised that it has the power to separate things from this world forever? Have you ever considered and trembled at the thought of such a thing happening to you? The idea that suddenly, for no reason other than your existance slighty bothering someone, it might just be stoppped, eliminated, without a thought or care or pause or remembrance, without a moment even to realise it is happening. Have you ever looked at your heart and realised the darkness of that impulse within you.......I don’t like it - Smash! Have you ever considered what it might do? If you believed other things were bugs as well? Have you remembered, and shuddered, that it happens all the time? That people believe even people like themselves are only bugs.

To the bugs, we are like gods. Remember the Romans gods? Whose intrests and petty whims upturned the lives of humans below without their asking? How greatly do your petty whims upturn many little lives that do not even understand your existance. Is that your right? Are you a god? Over what? What in this world truely belongs to you? Perhaps it is our gift and right to herd the sheep, the beetles, the bushes of this earth. Even so, do we know where our will should stop? Over what it has precedence, and over what it does not? Do we have the grace to consider what is under us? Or do we act only upon our whims? And even if it is our right to do so......is it truely right? Is it good? Is it best? Is it, perhaps, only through giving up our right voluntarily that we become something more? More than an act of fate, a ‘force of nature’ if you will. Will we interact with, consider, what is under us? Do we recognise that there may be something over us, even as we are over the bugs? Will we pay attention to the interaction of what is above us when it reaches down into our lives?

ever so gratefull

2009-07-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

ever so
for all who have loved
for all who have given
for all who have shared
for all who have listened
for all who have smiled
for all who have laughed
for all who have cared
for all who have shown me wonder and beauty and comfort and hope
for all who have made life so abundantly beautifull
I am gatefull
ever so gratefull

Stuffed

2009-04-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that as a culture we are generally very bad at knowing what it is that we want when we feel that we want something. I wonder why this is.

Perhaps we introspect too little? Because of being busy? Because of being distracted by constact noise and immages? Because people who spend quiet time alone are considered boring and strange? Because somehow we don't know how to keep our own company and feel compelled to always be out with others in order to have a good time? Because we are afriad of discussing deep personal things, like inner desires, with these others we spend our time with? Who knows.

Or perhaps because we are constantly subjected to being told that we want things from commercials and other sales tactics. So that either we aren't used to coming up with the answer of what we want ourselves, having it always told us from the outside, or we are constantly having the feeling of want arroused so that we begin to deal with it almost subconciously so that we can get on with other things. Instead of pausing every time to determine whether the source of the want is within or coming from without, and analysing what exactly we are in want of, we have a set of automatic fullfillment responces which can be selected with little thought or energy.

Thus our lives become overstuffed with fillers while still remaining relatively empty. In fact, sometimes the things that do fullfill us get pushed away or disconnected from our lives just to make room for more stuffing.

Such quick-fix stuffings are frequently food of various kinds, or money, or stuff that one buys through un-premeditated shopping. And here we come to, what I think is, the reason why we see the 'inexplicable' despare and emptiness of people living in a land where even the homeless have more things than could be brought on a plane without an extra fee, where obesity is found even among (and possibly especially among) the poor classes, where there is such abundance of physical provision far beyond the basic needs for survival. It would seem that people are taught culturally to ignore their true desires and inner needs in favor of the misguided persuit of Stuffing.

Moneysworth

2009-04-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

very wise saying No.4: the value is in the enjoyment and benefit, not in the quantity.

people are often befuddled by numbers or quantities into thinking that they need to get more in some physical ammount for the price they pay, when really they are cheating themselves.

Take Disneyland for example. The typical Disneyland experience usually encludes trying to do as many things as possible in the time that one has there so that you 'have gotten your money's worth' after paying for those expensive tickets. However, this approach usually makes people more stressed, more cranky, more prone to finding dissatisfaction in their experience, and much more tired and sore. It also probably distracts them from the details of their surroundings or the quality of the experience at hand, so that their sense of satisfaction comes not from the pleasant atmosphere, or the enjoyment of the rides and shows, or the sights and smells and tastes, but rather from being able to check so many things off the list.
• One can achieve the same feeling marking off a list of chores to do at home which costs nothing.
There is certainly a sense of satisfaction when one completes a number of things, but this is entirely a separate thing from the sense of satisfaction one is intended to experience from going to Disneyland. The music and landscaping are meant to create a pleasant atmosphere, one of both peace and joy. The rides are meant to bring up fond memories of movies and stories one loves, or to provide a thrill through speed and motions that one doesn't normally encounter. One is more likely to have a good time - a time that is enjoyable, uplifting, relaxing...in short an escape to a fantasy world, a retreat, if one is not fretting about how long things are taking or how many rides one has yet to check off the list. Why on earth would you pay to go be crabby stressed and resentfull?

People often approach situations in which they pay for something as though they are trying to get a toy out of a dog's mouth. There they are pulling and shaking and straining to get something back as the dog is clenching it's teeth and pulling and straining to keep it. In reality, you pay for something and it is given to you. Why strain as though you have to try and make something of it? Why not just recieve it? Why not focus on What, rather than How Much.

Take as another example: Eating Out. If you feel compelled to 'get your moneysworth' (yes I'm intentionally using it as one word) by eating every last scrap on your plate and having them bring extra bread too if it's not an additional charge, then you will end up feeling overstuffed and miserable, and furthermore that food will be contributing not so much to your health, but to your Unhealth. You have clearly not gotten a better value through eating too much. It is the enjoyment of the eating experience that makes the price worth it. If you eat two bites of something that tastes fabulous and you savor each one, you have gotten much more out of the price you payed, than if you distractedly or quickly stuff the whole thing into your mouth and finnish it off. So what if you throw some of it away! Wasn't it worth the flavor? Wasn't it worth the pleasant feeling you walked away with? Whyever would one pay to be made sick? WhyEver would you pay to be made SICK?

Another way in which the delusion that quantity = quality cheats people is the tendancy to be willing to spend more money on a number of small/trivial things than they would have spent on one 'large' purchace of something they really wanted. The appearance of 'low prices' distracts people from looking at how much they are actually spending, and the number of new things feels, in the moment, more satisfying, than only one new thing, regardless of how little importance those many things may actually have to them. Thus instead of getting what they want most, people settle for a bunch of things they only sort of want, and seem to think that this is better. In the mean time they continue to pine away for the 'big' things they actually want, whereas the small things they came home with would most likely have been forgotten in a couple of days if they had not bought them....and sometimes even if they did.
Some people take this moneysworth delusion even further by buying things that they would otherwise never have thought to buy, simply because they are on sale. They are tricked into thinking they are 'getting a good deal' when they are, in fact, completely throwing away their money.

As Sabrina says: "More isn't always better, Linus. Sometimes it's just more."

Alice in Wonderland

2009-04-20T18:17:00.000-07:00

Very wise saying No. 2: Sugar is not the answer to lack of fulfillment and happiness.

Very wise saying No. 1: Shiney objects do not equal fulfillment and success.

*meanders off singing "I give to myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it..."*

(remember that song from Alice in Wonderland?)

mmmmmmmm honey.....^_______^

2009-04-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

sometimes I get cravings for honey. I think I'm like Pooh Bear in quite a few ways including a love for honey ^.^ I love to just sit with a jar of it and dip my fingers in and eat it plain like that, yummmm!

somebody keeps sneeking an extra day into the week

2009-03-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

I get done with wednesday....and low and behold it's wednesday again! bah! these weeks do seem to stretch ooooon so!

Contemplations on a Theme of Science Fiction

2009-02-15T19:52:00.000-08:00

I find it interesting that while our culture loves the idea of man ever bettering himself, of evolving to greater hights; the message that man has great potential which he is only just beginning to realise, very few people seem to be truely motivated by this idea.

Instead, by all appearances, the majority of people seem most content to be diverted from bordom by outside forces and thus bide their time in relative comfort and ignorance untill death.

Was this always so? Who is to say? For it seems only natural that we should hear of and have passed down to us the fruits of those who did not simply bide their time.

Today it seems that a mythical race called the 'Professionals' are expected to do all the great things, while everone else sits back and watches, never thinking they actually could be one of them.

If this idea of realising potential was truely a common value, then would not more people be ernestly seeking the improvement of themselves? Seeking to become more knowledgeable, more capable, more productive, more admirable?? It would seem that in many cases money and comfort are what is most sought after, not making the most of one's potential.

Perhaps this idea of man's potential is so apatizing because of a half realised feeling that we are not living up to it, or even as a way of comforting uneasiness with our intertia by saying 'but we have come so far already'.

I wonder if, when a person's world was smaller, when one didn't see himself as lost amongst the masses of people out there, it was perhaps just a little harder to put off one's own capbilities for another theoretical person out there to pick up the slack? I wonder if the very things which have brought about the idea of being a global society and thinking about mankind as a whole have allowed more individual worlds to be created.

Is the world big enough out there without you?

Or is the world so small that nothing matters more than dinner in 5 secconds so you don't miss the next program on the telly?

Where is the desire to learn? to create? to discover? to mature? to grow wise? to earn respect?
Where is the desire to experience? to LIVE!!!

(Disclaimer: I am no one to talk, indeed.
....perhaps more than some, but certainly much less than some. But it is a thought, and regretably it may turn out to be less unsettling than it should. Still..there it is.)

Love

2009-02-08T02:55:00.000-08:00

take your focus and devote it completely to another
take your time and wait for someone
take your plans and form them with someone else's intrests in mind
take your money and spend it on someone else's desires
take your esteem and build up someone else's self-worth
take your knowledge and help someone else become competant
take your arms and make someone else feel secure with them
take your words and speak kindly to someone
take your confidence and believe in someone else
take your trust and honor someone with it
take your feelings and experience someone else's with them
take your reasoning and try to understand another's point of view
take your thoughts and focus them on the good things about someone
take your effort and apply it toward the well being of another
take your enthusiasm and draw another into joy
take your hand and hold someone else's
take your face and smile at someone
take your feet and go with someone

take your life and Love one another

cleaning dripped wax off from keyboard

2009-01-31T13:51:00.000-08:00

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo[
oooooooooooooooo]oooooooooo
oooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo'op'
ooooopppp]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]\]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

a great cosmic question over a bedtime snack

2009-01-29T23:47:00.000-08:00

Why do we like our salty foods crunchy, and our sweet foods soft?

wish list.......

2008-12-17T21:25:00.000-08:00

So this is my list of things I'd like to eventually get along with some other things that would just be nice combined to make my 2008 Christmas List, and after discussing the matter with Marcy I decided to go ahead and make a blogpost of this for easy reference for anyone actually wanting to get me something but feeling at a loss. I've certainly been haveing trouble coming up with ideas for people myself this year, sigh...

Books
Eulalia
High Rhulain
Doomwyte
Brisinger
Dark Whispers - the third in the Unicorn Chronicles by Bruce Coville
Fabric Glossary - by Mary Humphries (4th edition)
The Anglo Files - Sarah Lyall
Beedle the Bard Collector's Edition (J.K.Rowling) - on Amazon
the new set of the Prydain Chronicles (Lloyd Alexander) the covers are so nice...and my current set doesn't match.
Cool Leather Journals: any of the celtic, dragon, or gryphon ones
Easton Press: Cinderella & Sleeping Beauty - my very favorite illustrator!!!! I want these sooo bad!
Easton Press: Andrew Lang's Fairy Books - I've been wanting to collect all of these ones, but the paperbacks aren't available thorugh the store anymore, and the leather ones are sooo nice! :D (of course) with colour pictures instead of the cheapy black and white copies of the coloured ones, heh......but I would be quite happy just to get the rest of the paperbacks --I've already got: pink, violet, brown, and orange (they are called 'the Violet Fairy Book', 'The Grey Fairy Book' etc.
Easton Press: Robin Hood - its green, it's robin hood, it's leather, of course I want it ;)

DVDs (wisdescreen of course)
James Bond ultimate collector's set
Trigun box set
Five Mile Creek box set
Castle in the Sky
Prince Caspian
Jim Hensons The Story Teller: Greek Myths

CDs
Indiana Jones: The Soundtracks Collection (all four in a box set!)
A Midwinter Night's Dream - Loreena McKennit
And Winter Came - Enya
ET soundtrack
A&E Pride and Predjudice Soundtrack (I've already got the one from the recent movie)
something by Rachmaninov or Tchaikovsky (I have all his ballets)

Other
herb growing starter
prints from my DeviantArt wishlist (I like the 4x6 or 5x7 sizes, not the big ones)
large candles - preferably little or no scent - or vanilla
carved wooden candlesticks or candle lanturns

Fellowship Foundry stuff
castle swtichplate
celtic swtichplate
'classic dragon' goblet or 'dragon demi-goblet' (I like the smooth top option, which is also cheaper)

Leather shoes:
'two button gypsy' I like the one pictured there in dark and light brown

Stuff from The Noble Collection
--Harry Potter--
time turner necklace - gold
hermione's wand
godrics sword
hogwarts writing quill
mirror of erised
hogwarts house pins - well really I just wnat gryffindor, but it dosesn't look to come separate, sigh
gryffindor mug
--LOTR--
lothlorien candle holder
theoden's sword
galadriel's ring
elven brooch
arwen butterfly ring
middle-earth goblet
arwen butterfly brooch
phial of galadriel
--the noble collection stuff--
snowflake pendant
renaissance celestial armillary
mariners hourglass
constellation draco compas

Teas
Mighty-Leaf: vanilla bean (my very favorite tea ever)
Teaforte - I like black and chai teas: earl grey, bombay chai, vienna cinamon, orchid vanilla, forte, ginger, winter chai
Harney & Sons : Yellow and Blue (chamomile lavendar), Vanilla Comoro (decaf vanilla - it doesn't taste decaf though), and Winter White Earl Grey. These are being discontinued I think and are on sale - I want to get them while I still can because they are among my very favorites!
Spice Traders Teas: vanilla, jasmine, licorice spice
clear glass tea pot - on the smaller side, something good for one person
pretty mug or teacup

Electronics
good speakers - preferably with cords that connect on both ends so they could be replaced later if the cord goes without having to buy new spakers
digital slr camera - so I could focus myself - & marco lense -- I think I'd prefer a cannon

Home Decor stuff
nice dark wood standing coat/hat rack
Wooden Screen from Cost Plust World Market: Kashmir-Screen (the have a couple other modles I like, but they don't have them on their website)

Places I can always use gift cards
amazon.com
Jo-Annes
B&N
Target
Starbucks
iTunes

Abundance

2008-11-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

I am so blessed, so rich, so full, so surrounded by abundance. Even though all my ife I have lived under the shaddow of 'financial problems' I have always been amply provided for, even my wants have been greatly satisfied. Truely 'my cup runneth over'. Thus for God's provision and lavish generosity I give Him thanks!

a beautifull day in the neighborhood

2008-10-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

It is such a lovely day out! ...all cool and cloudy and there's the scent of rain in the air! :D

feeling beautifull

2008-10-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

isn't it nice, those moments when you just feel lovely....not necessarily when you feel like others think you are, but when you in your own experience of yourself just feel lovely ^.^ .....this evening laying here on my stomach on the floor with my hair falling all around me and draping across my back, with my computer and the music playing, I just feeeel beautifull. If I had a mirror right now it is quite likely I wouldn't think I looked especially lovely, but I don't have one, and I am savoring the sensation.

hmmmm....you know I think there is a great deal of attractiveness that comes from how we feel about ourselves.....are we able to really feel beautifull? Just as some people seem to be able to really 'make' an outfit which someone else would just look silly in because they have the poise and confidence and a kind of personality mesh with the outfit, so i think we can make whatever features we have glow at times when we're feeling particularly comfortable and happy within ourselves.

I Love Lewis!

2008-09-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

While reading merely the first two pages of An Experiment in Criticism I have already felt my heart swell, squealed with delight, and clapped my hands in enthusiastic agreement with this kindred spirit. It's lovely to be struck once again with the reasons he is my favorite author =D

Divine Fashion Advice

2008-09-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

Don't wear the pink butterfly jacket with that red shirt

This morning when I was about to leave I went to grab the sweatshirt I normally wear on my morning walk which has a sort of pinkish lacy butterfly appliqued to the front btu I couldn't find it anywheres. It's my favorite sweatshirt so I was a bit worried that it's lost, but I didn't have time to fuss and just grabbed a plain velour black one with a starshaped zipperpull. Once I got to work and actually looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom I realised that I looked so cute in the black with the bit of red showing around the waist and where the zipper wasn't closed up all the way - it looked like a perfectly designed outfit and I had jsut been grabbing whatever I could find off the top of the pile, heh. I'm not glad about the sweatshirt missing, but hey thanks God for the great fashion direction, teehee ;)

wait what?!

2008-08-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

how did I end up with a full screen version of AOTC?!? I mean, sure I hated that movie, but how can my set be complete when one of the members is a full screen version?! what little is worthwhile in this thing requires the widescreen view! The fact that I probably spent money on the full screen is what kills me =( heh

cullinary brilliancey =D

2008-08-04T22:48:00.000-07:00

*crazed ice-cream rimmed smile*

Spiced Ice-cream
it should be a regular flavor
yes yes indeed it should!
as should creamed honey be a regular topping
aye, some of the tastiest stuff I've ever put together that!

A few days ago I came upon this brilliant idea while on vacation, visiting Marcusstratus from deviantart and his mum in the fair town of Huntsville, Utah. We had Breyer's all natural vanilla (the only vanilla ice-cream worth having, unless of course it's home-made) and as we sat around the table preparing our dessert it struck me that this stuff would taste simply fantastic with cinnamon, nutmeg (which they had freshly ground!), and cloves -- rather like eggnog actually with those flavors.

And then! it came to me that the cinamon-creamed-honey we had there would be quite nice drizzled on top - which, indeed, it proved to be. And when I later tried this recipe again I added pieces of walnuts which were delish with it as well.....and I suppose that pecans would also be as tastey.

mmmm.......... so yes! as I am enjoying once again this marvelous concoction I would love to share it with you all =D

Sunlight Mainfested as Wings

2008-07-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

There have been a lot of moths in the park of late and one afternoon they were al glimmering in the light slanting through the trees and it was so beautiful; one of those magical moments when it seems like the earth is singing! =)

Summer Snowflakes

2008-07-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

well the fire season is in full swing so as I braved the heat today to take pictures in the late afternoon light which was more orange than usual and was met by a flurry of white flakes, which however were accompanied by the smell of woodsmoke rather than a crisp breeze, ah well.

Happy 4th of July!

sleepdrugged

2008-06-14T15:14:00.001-07:00

mmm....what were those thoughts? I know I had some.......

Conspicuosity

2008-06-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

Ever want to carry something on your head, or spontaneously leap with a surge of energy? Ever want to dance or sing? Ever realise you’re going the wrong way and keep going or take the long way ‘round ‘cause you’d look silly stopping in your tracks and doing an about face? Ever want to wear some hat, or something unusual just ‘cause you like it, but feel like it’d be too odd or ‘innapropriate’?
And do you ever wonder if perhaps the eyes you feel watching you are only your own?

It seems as though so many of our urges and quirks are reigned in and kept hidden by this pervasive social fear that one might draw negative or unwanted attention. But really, does it matter at all what people you will never see again think of you? Or even, that those you regularly encounter should know what you’re really like? I wonder how much of the pressure we feel to conform is really something we place on ourselves individually out of fear of rejection...or of simply standing out and drawing the eyes of others.

I’ve never been one to take much note of the people around me, and yet I too am subject to these, perhaps immagined, social fetters. Sometimes they win, and I always feel ashamed for it, but most of the time I break free. I’m not saying that we should be inappropriate, tactless, insensitive, and solely lead by our fleeting desires, but we’e put muzzles on dogs that don’t bite and taken the wheels off our wagons lest we should happen to steer them the wrong way. Of course one should be mindfull of others, and yet, not mindfull in that debilitating way of fearing what they may or may not think, which is completely unrelated to caring about causing them trouble. So I say, do not clip your own wings! Let thyself fly! Release the joy, the energy, the individuality you have! That’s one of the great things about kids, the don’t worry themselves overmuch abotu stuff like that, they feel free to have fun. I can’t immagine why we think it’s more mature to prevent oneself from enjoying life. And you know....I bet people would be a bit more fit too if they wouldn’t keep themselves always in ‘dignified,’ stiff, unexciting poses and actions.

As I go through the day I find that I naturally stand in ‘odd’ positions which may look rather like I’m trying to pose, but really it just feels comfortable or fits what I’m thinking/feeling. Especially when I visit museums....or when I’m browsing grocery store isles, lol.....I tend to move differently than ‘normal’ people. Hmm....a bit more dancelike I guess...in slow-mo. I seem to naturally move my feet through ballet positions....yeah, it’s not like I was really in dance much, and I did that before I took classes, interesting..... I also tend to lean back and forth or to the side wierd, and rest my arms strangely, hehe. *shrug* ...hard to explain I guess, but I don’t like to just stand there normal like most people. I guess I never really understood why standing out is such a horrible thing to some people. It’s not that I’m wanting to attract attention by what I do or wear, I just don’t care if people happen to notice. I usually just ignore whatever attention I’m getting, I figure if they feel like gawking that’s their business. And besides, I rather hope I can show other’s it’s ok to be ‘wierd’ and inspire them to feel free to do the same =)

so yes! go and feel free to be conspicuous!

Touching Other Worlds

2008-05-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

I love these moments when listening to music it seems as though your soul bursts from this skin that houses it and touches something beyond, something more than the sounds, when it seems everyting else around you has disappeared...it’s like suddenly soaring through another world! As though your soul travles through the music and knits itself with that intangible, mysterious soul of the music, that which makes it more than vibrations and noise.

Wind is like that too sometimes.....it feels like it whisks by and snatches your soul away upon it, and you stand there in a continous moment of being swept away, feeling as though your very self has become a portal through which the wind rushes to another world into which you stare not with eyes but heart, and what there is of you standing in this earth seems a distant memory.

stroke of genius

2008-05-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting in the bath last night I was hit by an idea...something which must have been rattling around and forming in there for quite a long time I suppose. Or perhaps I thought of it before and forgot. You see, back in my first year of college I had a roomate who always put on this apple scent in the morning when she got ready to go, which was qutie a while before I had to get up, and every morning I would wake up as soon as she sprayed that smell. SO! It struck me last night that if one could be trained to wake up to a smell rather than a sound, why couldn't there be alarm clocks that were set to spray some scent - I suppose whatever a person chose to fill it with - at a certain time rather than playing music. And then I realised that that would be a great alternative for the hearing imparied. I did a quick search for hearing impared alarm clocks and it seems that they have ones with flashing lights and bed shakers.
Being the loather of mornings that I am I should definately hate having to be woken in that fashion, hearing impared or not. In fact the liklihood of my actually getting up is related to how gently I am dragged from the mire, if wrenched from it I become doubly determined to return, and of course it puts me very out of sorts should I loose.
However, it seems like a scent sparyer couldn't be more difficult to make than bed shakers, and if one could choose a pleasant smell as a gentle signal that it's time to get up, I should think it would be a much easier way to wake up someone who couldn't hear, and certainly less of a harrasment for anyone sharing a bed or room with someone hard of hearing. Hmm.....I could make millions ;p

"A man drowned in his bed?! Impossible!"

2008-04-26T03:57:00.000-07:00

I have no idea how much water I have consumed in the last 48 hours, but it is considerably more than the reccommended 8 cups a day. This past week or two I've been pleagued by some of the worst allergies I've ever experienced, aside from cats, and in fact woke up a couple nights ago thinking I was about to die being unable to breath, as though a hand were clenched round my lungs, and of course the glue-like masses clogging my throat and sinuses.

Then it struck me that perhaps what with all the dripping and blowing and sneezing I might be needing more water than normal, which might explain the putty like consistancy of all that gunk, so I made sure to drink whenever I felt dry...which was constantly. It seems to have made some difference! Perhaps it is actually washing away whatever allergines have been accumulating - if they do that, I don't know. But as I lay me down to sleep tonight I can't help thinking about that classic scene in Charade and wondering if I should die before I wake if they should rather say she hath imbibed too much, than it was the flowers that killed her.

so, um...what about mental health benefits?

2008-04-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

gah! I'm seriously starting to go mad! And I hold Barnes and Noble completely responsible. It all started when our store, which doesn't have a music department I'd like to note, decided to play only CDs we carry all the time. Because we don't have a music section, that makes the selection extreemly limited. Unfortuneatly this new music regime conveniently coincided with the dismisal of our regular shelving crew and the decree that the recieving team (all 2 of us) will now spend half our day out shelving. Which Means! that I have to spend a good portion of the day being subjected to a broken reccord. Honnestly it feels like they've created my very own torture chamber, just for me, yes. As you already know, I hate pretty much all modern/rock music. And of course, that's what all this stuff is. The worst thing about it is that my mind has a way of getting songs, especially ones I don't like, stuck in my head. So not only do I have to deal with this while I'm at work, I get to take home my portable torture chamber and listen to these songs on repeat on my way home, and while I'm eating diner, and all night in my dreams, and when I wake up in the morning, what do you know! they're still there haunting me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

gah!

2008-04-06T00:43:00.001-07:00

I'm sick of wheezing! Do you know how irritating that is to be constantly thinking about trying to get enough air? Thank God that's normally a subconcious/involuntary function, or we'd never get anything else done. I haven't had much asthma trouble in the last several years, but there's something out there this spring that seems to be made especially to torment me. I don't know what's blooming that's causing this, but it really needs to die!

wierd dog

2008-03-01T00:48:00.000-08:00

I saw the strangest 'mutt' the other day. It had the body and face etc. of an English Bull Terrier, but the coloring of a greyhound. Very odd combination if you ask me.

temporary

2008-02-09T18:52:00.000-08:00

I just realised I didn't actually post something I thought I had earlier, so I clikced 'post' now, but I didn't change when it was written, so there is a 'new' post, but it's not here at the top --see Jan 25th.

True Love

2008-02-09T18:05:00.000-08:00

The mark of a true friend, it seems to me, is that you don't have to do anything special to have a good time, you don't have to say everything clearly to be understood, it doesn't have to be important to be worth listening to or caring about. A true friend is someone who holds that smallest part of you in their hands gently, who understands and cares about the little things in your life, not just the things worth 'writing home' about, not just the things that affect them. When they can listen to your deepest ponderings and your pointless prattlings, you know they must truely love you.

God loves each of us so much, but do we remember that in the mundane moments? Do we have a good time with Him in those every day moments, when nothing special's happening. Do we chat with Him anyway, when there's no important requests, when we're not overwhelmed with joy? And when we get frustrated by little things, or bogged down with boring details, do we remember that He cares about all those little things too, that He understands our wierd moods, and doesn't mind our sillly ramblings. He thinks we're cute, and precious, and holds that little heart of ours in His hands so lovingly. He won't stay mad at us long when we mess up, and though He's as powerfull as the crashing waves, He also whispers softly in our ears. He whisperes it all the time, 'I love you.' Do we remember to keep whispering back 'I love you too.' I think just remembering He's always there and giving Him all our little thoughts and cares makes Him happy, happy to keep holding our hands, and keep listening, and keep reminding us that He doesn't ever tune us out to take care of more important matters.

I've found that when I remember to stop and pray about all the little things, the things that don't really matter in the long run, He always blesses me with little reminders that He really is there, listening, that my life really matters to Him. And when I remember to just stop and smile up at Him when I'm happy, to say 'thanks' and 'You're so wonderfull' whenever I see something beautifull, or have a really good thought, or things are going well, or something small but nice happens, then I am filled with the sensation of His smile on me. When I remember that all these little blessings are His gifts, then I know He loves me.

further ruminations on morningness and nightness

2008-02-02T02:00:00.000-08:00

I have observed that most morning people seem to be 'practical' types, and also somewhat conformists in the sense that they value established ways of doing things (or established uses for things. -An example of what I mean here is someone never dreaming of using a scarf for anything but a scarf simply because it was called a scarf at the store and therefore has been categorized in their mind as 'something to go around the neck for warmth' as opposed to simply 'a long piece of cloth'). What I wonder is whether there is something deeper within which links waking up with the sun (or feeling particularly energetic directly after waking up) and liking to follow instructions on the 'proper' way of doing things rather than making things up as you go along, or if this preference of morning is simply a product of the preference for established ways in light of the long accepted saying 'The early bird get's the worm' or the generally respected (even if resented) idea that getting up early in the morning means that you are not lazy (and conversely that sleeping later in the day implies laziness or some kind of lack of worth and tendancy toward wonton behaviour).

What I also find perplexing is how easily these practical people miss their own inconsistancy when refusing to cooperate with 'night people.' (Perhaps a penchant for believing oneself to (almost) always be in posession of absolute truth on matters is also somehow linked with the morning and conforming traits?) A morning person, when they have reached their limit energy-wise, will simply tell you they are going to stop whatever it is you may be doing together and go to bed - in fact they will usually say they 'have' to go to bed. And they would think it ludicrous and insensitive of someone to insist that they stay up a moment longer, and feel just in refusing to do so. Yet, when a night person tells them that they simply cannot get up at this time, that they have to sleep a little longer, they won't stand for it, and frequently launch into disparaging their character and habits, and continue to pester or even assualt them untill they are forced to get up in spite of their disinclination, or lack of the required abilities, to do so. (It would seem morning people have no qualms about dragging dead weights along with them, even though they will complain about it, blaming, of course, the dead weight and not their choice to bring it. It should be noted here that in contrast, while a night person may greately desire to keep a morning person up, and may plead, or devise ways of keeping them awake, once the statment of 'bed, now' has been made it seems they are usually willing to dismiss their 'party-pooping' presence - rather than dragging along a limp body).

On the other hand it is common for 'creative' types to be night people. I suppose perhaps that creativity is neccessarily more open ended, as it requires searching for the end of something (whether it be a piece of art, or the conclusion of a theory/experiment), seeing possibilities, and turning one thing into something else, as opposed to working methodically toward and already established ending point with already establlished tools or methods. And perhaps it is this open-ended nature that allows them to continue on indefinately in either one state or another (whether action or sleep) - thus they keep late hours (caught up in the exhilaration of inspiration) and then sleep long the next day after the work of the night before is done, or they drop with exhaustion. Morning people, then, in contrast, work all day toward the ending point of 'bed time' which is already relatively established in their minds, and then also, in a sense, sleep toward the goal of waking up, also at a relatively pre-established time in their mind. This also may tie in with 'time-oriented-ness' to some degree in respect to liking measured, established, scheduals, and predictable limits.

What I wonder, then, is whether the trend to be accepting of the fact that some people simply are lively in the morning (however incomprehensible and vexing it may be to them), which I have frequently observed in night people, is due to a general openness of mind and the understanding that something can be used as something else (in this case that the day can certainly be used for sleep and the night can certainly be used for action), both uses being perfectly acceptible because in their minds things are categorized by nature and not function (My thought here being, if you think of something fundementally as 'something that does this' you won't think of it as also being able to do something else -it goes against itself, but if you think of something as 'something with these qualities' then it could be used for anything that requires those qualities. ex: a sheet is something you cover your matress with; a large piece of cloth could be used as a sheet, or a tarp, or a cloak, or a curtain, or a knapsack, or a sail, or, or, or.......); Or if it is simply because 'liking morning's is right' has been so hammered into them by parents and teachers and culture that they can only add 'but nights are good too,' unable to escape the reality that, whether or not one way is or is not right, both types of people do exist.

Of course not everyone fits nicely onto two groups, these are just general trends I have noticed.

do-do-do-do twilight zone theme plays ;)

2008-01-25T23:49:00.000-08:00

I was laying here after a nap in the usual drugged stupor when it suddenly struck me with new force just how disgusting the whole harry potter fiasco is. Betryed! we've been betrayed! It's not even like the feeling you get about a lot of TV shows: it had a good run, but by the end it had turned into an unrecognizeable cheese monster. No, the story wasn't over and done, the characters weren't gradually weeded out and replaced by fresh meat. No this was a Twilight Zone nightmare that we'll never wake up out of. We were suddenly and visciously betrayed in the middle of the story arc. The characters were mutilated beyond recognition. The plot took a dive and circled the drain. We were thrust into some alternate universe where everything that had captured us about the books was gone: the charming atmosphere dashed to pieces with a sledge hammer, the loveable characters exchanged for their 'evil twins', our questions and hopes forsaken, ignored, denied, our respect for the intricately thought out details who's relevance we only discovered later in the game replaced by cheesy notes that jump out and say 'Watch me I'm goingto be important!'

bounce bounce

2008-01-14T22:52:00.000-08:00

happy happy joy joy! What an amazing gift every day, God has given me such a precious gift. look! here, let me share! *bounce* *giggle* *twirl* it's like being handed a personal ray of sunshine. He's so good! there are so many different bits of happiness =) but right now it's the song 'Awaya Baka' by Baka Beyond. The words that come to mind whenever I hear this are 'outrageously happy!' it just makes me smile every time! I can't help but bounce around like a silly little kid =) A couple other ones that always seem to do this too are the 1941 march by John Williams - makes you want to dance in the streets and beam at everyone you meet, and the ode to joy it just swells up one's heart like a huge baloon rising into the clouds.......joyfull joyfull we adore Thee, God of glory Lord of love...... squee!

i wish you wouldn't tell me about it, you have this way of making everything sound reasonable and then rooms begin to burn......

2008-01-14T22:08:00.001-08:00

it's crazy how reasonable things can sound. like that staying up to finnish this will give you enough of a feeling of satisfaction that a little less sleep will be worth it, it'll be ok. Or how just five more minutes with your face planted in the pillow will be just fine and you'll be able to make it to work on time anyway....I wonder where that deluded little voice comes from, really. That whole cartoon thing about having a little devil and a little angel on your shoulder doesn't feel so far off. not that I'd necessarily call either one a devil or an angel, frequently the crazy talk of your inner mind has nothing to do with moral choices, just matters of practicality. Something sounds great, untill you see how much you'll have to put yourself through to compensate.....maybe you really would have rather done the other option, but for some reason at the time it's little voice wasn't piping up so you got a warped set of pros and cons coming at you. (or maybe there really isn't a 'better' choice it just looks that way from either side) heh....well I guess I'm choosing hell tomorrow morning, seeing as I'm typing to you right now. Ya gotta hand it to those little voices, somehow they always manage to squeeze just enough hope past your memory of past experiences to make it seem like it'll work better this time. sigh......

Lament!

2007-12-19T01:57:00.000-08:00

why does good tea have to be so rare and so expensive in america?
I don't remember it being so outrageous in england.....maybe they have the outrageous stuff too, but it seemed even their cheap tea wasn't nasty like ours is. And it was available in large quantities, not just the little mini boxes (which still manage to cost a lot).

I've just been looking at teaforte's website, they have some of the best tea I've ever had, but still....$2.50 for one teabag? I don't want to just get nice tea for special occasions once in a while. I mean....if good tea exists, then why would you ever drink the nasty stuff?? why can't they just make all tea good and not make it if it's gonna be bad. yes I know, because people want to try and cut every corner possible and squeaze every penny out of you. yeah, I know. and I know why it has to be that way, yeah yeah.....enough with the jaded view of life retorts. It's no less stupid or aggrivating just because that's the way it is...what kind of an excuse is that? It is that way? well it shouldn't be. And if more people didn't buy into that, then, well, maybe it would be better, no?

Anyway....It's really sad that good tea is so scarce and so exhorbitantly priced. *sob*

oh! and have you seen? Lipton is now trying to copy all these fancy teamakers and is coming out with cloth teabags. ha! ................ ha! It's not the packaging, it's what's inside......we'll see if they've actualy improved on their cardboard shavings or not.

Nothing could be finer....

2007-12-05T16:59:00.000-08:00

than moments like these. With that old-time Christmas feeling in the air, sitting at home with a hot cup of tea, the scent of the Christmas tree filling the house, and beautifull music washing over you. sigh....

=)

As if you're doing it for the Lord

2007-11-26T22:36:00.001-08:00

I think this has got to be one of the most frequently misused ideas in modern Christianity. So often I've heard this phrase used to try to turn people into paranoid perfectionists, afraid that somehow if they don't do something really well they're failing as Christians. The irony, I think, is that the center of Christian beliefe is that God has loved us in spite of our shortcomings, in spite of our sin and rebellion, so if we are doing things for Him, wouldn't it be with the knowledge that He knows we are but dust? And yet people scare others away from bringing their honnest, if feeble, offerings by implying that one has to strive to be excellent in everything or else they must not really be doing things as if for God. That is an absolutely ludicrous idea. It takes us out of God's grace and back into the trap that all other religions end up boiling down to - you must save yourself: By doing this, by saying that, by striving to become perfect, by dedication and effort you must gain your salvation. NO! God has provided attonement, He has granted forgiveness, and He has given us His spirit to live inside us and help guide us out of the destructive ways we are mired in in this life. His hand upholds us, not our own two legs. I think that 'doing things as if for God' means with a spirit of communion with and service toward Him. It means looking for His hand in every day life, looking for what he is doing and choosing your actions to follow along with His, it means letting Him work through you and acting with a heart that is in sync. with His. It's not how well you are able to do things or how hard you try to be perfect in everything, it's listening for His guidance, and dedicating all the sucess to Him. We are very limited beings, we simply cannot do everything to our utmost - overdrive is called overdrive for a reason. We have to choose what to focus more effort on and what we have to resign to the 'backburner'. But even the things we can't spend all our efforts on we can do with a heart that is in step with the Spirit of God, with love, with mercy and justice, with the desire to give Him glory and thanks. That is doing things as if for the Lord.

Life....

2007-10-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

....is good
things may be tough
and exhausting
and even depressing
but somehow....
....life is always good.
because there are always moments like these,
small moments
when something is just perfect.
when a warm finger of sunlight touches your cheek
when your tummy is full and satisfied with the cheap soup you got for dinner
when the wind ripples through the leaves and the green fills your spirit
when your head sinks perfectly into your pillow far too late in the night, but somehow it feels better than ever.
life is good.
yes.
Praise be to God!

Quizes =)

2007-10-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

What People Think of Your Mouth

People see you both as reserved and sweet.
You tend to be very sensitive and detail oriented.
The smallest things can please or annoy you. You tend to be internally moody.
Perceptive and intuitive, you understand people quickly - though you usually won't tell them.

What Does Your Mouth Say About You?

This sounds mostly true. I don’t feel like I’m very moody though....most of the time I’m happy and content.

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.

Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

yup yup, that’s me. I’m surprised a quiz with so few questions could come up with that same Kiersy type so accurately.

yay! i love being me =)

Your Personality Cluster is Introverted Feeling

You are:

Tolerant, flexible, and open to new ideas.
A stickler for integrity and authenticity.
Passionate about causes, beliefs, or politics.
Likely to have many "best friends" from many walks of life

What's Your Personality Cluster?

ooo look, another kiersy thing. =)
hmmm.....I always did have trouble figuring out the ‘best friend’ thing, I love so many people so much! I’ve always had to have several.

What Your Favorite Color Green Says About You:

Balanced --- Relaxed --- Flexible
Compassionate --- Philosophical --- Humble
Loyal --- Inventive --- Unique

What Does Your Favorite Color Say About You?

GREEN!!! yay! I love Green! So Refreshing! I was quite surprised at this one actually, I didn’t expect it to be so detailed, or accurate, really, it’s spot on! I thought it was just going to be something silly, but then I read it, and I was like “wow” *warm fuzzies* =)

Aaaannnnd my second favorit color is:

What Your Favorite Color Purple Says About You:

Intuitive --- Seeking --- Creative
Kind --- Self-Sacrificing --- Growth Oriented
Strong --- Very Wise --- Rare

What Does Your Favorite Color Say About You?

not bad either....yes...yes...I see this, quite true. =)

They didn’t offer my third favorite color wich is Burgundy.....so I had to go with the one that had it’s place when I was younger.

What Your Favorite Color Pink Says About You:

Blissful --- Content --- Romantic
Idealistic --- Expressive --- Artistic
Funny --- Quirky --- Individualistic

What Does Your Favorite Color Say About You?

heh, wow, totally. this really is me too =)

That’s amazing how your favorite colors could really say so much about you.

What’s Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Your Hair Should Be Red

Passionate, fiery, and sassy.
You're a total smart aleck who's got the biggest personality around.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Interesting. I definatley am not loud or sassy, etc. However, I used to always wish my hair was red. only not red red, hair red, which is actually orange, untill I realised that It wouldn’t go very well with a lot of colors, and I would probably have lots of freckles which are cute and charming, but not really me, after wich I decided I would prefer - if I were to change my hair color - to have it be black.....and if I was going to have a ‘funky’ color I’d add dark purple highlights.
......or if I was really going to be ‘out there’ I’d dye it a mixture of green and brown and have swirly brown tattoos all over and turn myself into a wood nymph. (are you scared now of what migth happen if I ever went off the deep end? ;)

You Are 35% Normal

You sure do march to your own beat...
But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all
You think on a totally different wavelength
And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How Normal Are You?

well, I think that has already been established, heheh =)

You Are Fall!

Thoughtful
Expressive
Creative
Poetic
Smart

What Season Woman Are You?

yes, I like autumn, my favorite season =)

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious.

Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic.

With friends, you seem thoughtful and interested in ideas.

In love, you seem energetic - almost manic.

In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

hmmmm.....not so much. I’d be pretty surprised if people actually do see me that way. I’ve always guessed that people probably think I’m dtetermined/unhappy because I don’t tend to walk around with a smile even when I’m happy inside and my eyebrows are rather stright and dark - which coult be construed as glowering, sigh.... They probably also think I’m either squashable or haughty because I don’t make eye contact or friendly exchanges with random people. hmm....I wonder.

Your Aura is Violet

Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world.
And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it!

The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say

Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony

Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach

What Color Is Your Aura?

well, I like purple....but I don’t know that this is really me. I’m not much of a leader, and not very charismatic. As I just finnished saying, I think most people view me as stand-offish, or just plain wierd. More of an untouchable curiosity than a person. In any event I certainly don’t have any care to ‘Change the World’ or ‘Lead’ others.

Your Psyche is Blue

You are deeply emotional and very connected to everything (and everyone) around you.
By simply understanding other people, you are able to help them heal and let go.
While you are a very deep and thoughtful person, you do have a very silly, superficial side.

When you are too blue: the weight of the world's problems hangs over you

When you don't have enough blue: you lack perspective and understanding

What Color Is Your Psyche?

emotional, deep, understanding, helping others....yes, i think so. I dont’ prefer blue, but it’s not a bad color. It’s nice and calm.

You Are a Green Crayon

Your world is colored in harmonious, peaceful, natural colors.
While some may associate green with money, you are one of the least materialistic people around.
Comfort is important to you. You like to feel as relaxed as possible - and you try to make others feel at ease.
You're very happy with who you are, and it certainly shows!

Your color wheel opposite is red. Every time you feel grounded, a red person does their best to shake you.

What Color Crayon Are You?

yay green again!

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.
Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.
Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.
You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Naturally.

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.
You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems.
Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green.
Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

The Muppet Personality Test

green again! =) I love Kermie!!

You Are 82% Peaceful

You are the epitome of inner peace and total calm.
You are grounded, emotionally mature, and very wise.
While no one's life is perfect, you have a great amount of perspective on the world - and you place in it.

How Peaceful Are You?

yes indeedy. although....I’m not calm all the time. I think that’d describe the overall flavor of my view of life, but I can be excitable. I get riled up at frustrations, and hyper with happiness, but I’d say that generally I feel content and pleased.

Now, this next one was hard because there really wasn’t an option that was totally right. I’m sort of a combination of three. When I sleep I’m usually halfway between my side and my stomach, with the bottom leg and arm stretched out straight -arm under the pillow, and toes hanging off the bed and tucked under the little bar at the end of it, while the top leg and arm are curled up close against me in more of the ‘fetal’ position. So, sort of fetal, sort of stomach, sort of side.

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front.
Shy and private, you yearn for security.
You take relationships slowly.
You need lots of reassurances before you can trust.

If you don't get enough sleep, you are: Cranky and a big baby

It's hard to sleep next to you because: You are a light sleeper

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

yeah, pretty close. shy, yes, yearn for security, yes, I don’t know about slow relationships.....yes and no. I mean, I pretty much really like people rigth away, or I don’t like them and thus don’t make any effort to know them. With people I do like I feel like I tend to be very open right away, and share everything and find out everything.....and then after a while it’s like...what is there left to talk about??? so sometimes then it goes into an awkward lull. when I dont’ get enough sleep I usually feel like I’m going to throw up....which is not conducive to good moods. I am in NO WAY a light sleeper. Once I’m asleep I am dead to everything!

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You have a passion for everything - including sleeping.
Outgoing and brash, you tend to still shock those who know you well.
You tend to be selfish. You are the most likely type to take over the whole bed.
You gravitate toward comfort and don't like extreme situations.

If you don't get enough sleep, you are: In a very bad mood

It's hard to sleep next to you because: You hog the covers.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Passion, yes! Yes, I like to enjoy my sleep! and get lots of it!
outgoing, no, brash, no. I do go for comfort. And I certainly hog the blankets. I actually NEED at least a whole queen sized comforter just to myself. seriously. I take the whole thing. And sometimes there still somewhere I’m feeling a draft. I can’t sleep without all that squishyness wedged in all around me, under me, between my legs, behind my back, on top of my feet. Yes, beautifull heavy squishy blankets pressing in all around me, ahhhh....then I am comfortable.

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational person with a good deal of balance in your life.
Friends consider you to be kind, caring, and truly loyal.
You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.
Open to the world, you are not afraid to be yourself.

If you don't get enough sleep, you are: Able to cope

It's hard to sleep next to you because: You're a bed hog

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

kind, caring, loyal yes, quite true. easy going, trusting, pretty much. not afriad to be me - that’s for sure! I suppose I cope....it’s easier to when I don’t have to have contact with any people for a couple of hours - which I usually don’t.

The Phantom of the Laundry Room is There Inside My Nose

2007-09-23T04:53:00.000-07:00

I've always seemed to have a very keen sense of smell, however, as I am not a dog, this attribute has done little to enhance my existance, most of the time it's just a bother.

I bought new detergent this week, by accident. I thought 'orriginal scent' was the unscented variety of Tide, but apparently not. I knew instantly when I unscrewed the lid that a fatal mistake had been made, but there was nothing for it, and I washed my clothes anyway. I was smart enough not to risk the pillow cases in that though. I swear my nose is too good! I've been distracted for the last three days by the smell of the new detergent. It's there, everywhere I go. I keep noticing it because it's not normal. It's not that it's a bad smell, it's just different, and my nose keeps bringing that to my attention. I have no idea how long it'll take to get used to it. I may give up and go buy the right kind before I do laundry again.

This brings me to an odd topic though.....You see, I'm on this quest, have been for years. There are these two elusive smells that I really like, but have been unable to find the source of. They are both 'clean' scents. One smells distinctly like clean laundry, but a very particular variety of clean laundry, and the other smells like some kind of bar soap. I've smelled them on other people a hundred times, but I've never been able to actually find a bar soap or detergent for sale in the grocery store that smells precicely like those ones I like. It's really very perplexing. How can they be in such common use, but not commonly found in the market? Of course the idea of asking people what soap and detergent they use has crossed my mind, but the trouble is I've only smelled them on people that I don't know well, and it would just seem really wierd to be asking your UPS delivery man what kind of soap he washes with =p It'd sound like some kind of lame pick up line or something "You smell so clean! I just love your detergent!" So while I'd love to try lots of different soaps to try to find whatever this one is, I also don't think my nose could handle all the other ones in between....sigh....

all in a dither

2007-08-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

whatever is one to do when one wants equally to sing and to eat?

my hand and my mouth cannot figure what it is they are about....it's like playing the trying-to-pass-someone-in-the-hall dance with one's self.

thought of the day

2007-08-04T18:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it’s harder to do the simple things than the difficult ones.

Things that are simple, easy, mundane are easier to put off or write off. We take them for granted. We’re not on the alert, not trying our best, not really thinking about them at all.....so we just don’t do them, or don’t pay enough attention to them when we do. We’re not alert or on guard when it comes to small things, but we are with big, important, difficult things. It’s easy to shrug off doing a simple worksheet for a boring class because it’s not worth the bother, it doesn’t have sweeping consequences - it’s easy to forget because it’s not big and looming. While doing a big paper is practically more difficult, we’re more likely to pay attention to it, to try harder on it, to not forget it; so it gets done, when the little worksheets don’t. So in a way....it’s easier to do the hard thing, than the easy one because fighting our laziness or inattentiveness is harder than doing the hard thing.

I was thinking about this not so much in regard to school (that was just an example), but life in general. It’s easy to spend a lot of money on a bunch of little things because we buy them without even thinking about them, but hard to spend the same ammount on one large thing because we see it as a big deal and take more time to consider it’s worth and look at our accounts. It’s easier to not do simple favors for other people all day, like opening a door, or giving them a random encouragement, or paying attention to what they’re doing and getting out of the way for them, or remembering to do a simple request like closing the door again on your way out, while it’s dificult to not stop everything and comfort someone who’s just heard that someone they love has died. Dropping everything and sitting with them is more inconveinent, or takes more effort than those other things, but it’s not easily put off. It’s easy to forget to thank God for little blessings like getting green lights all the way to work, or the cofee shop not being out of your favorite pastry, or finding the pen you misplaced, when we would never forget to spend a long time praying and thanking Him and praising Him to others for healing someone of cancer or a missions trip going really well.

Perhaps we need to be a little more intentional toward the small things. While they don’t of themselves have grand effects, there are a lot more of them than the ‘big’ things, and they do add up. All those little things can set the tone for a class, a relationship, or your very life.

Of course this is a lot easier contemplated than practiced. sigh.....

jurassic chores

2007-07-19T23:20:00.000-07:00

I just saw the most ginormous moth. seriously this went waaaay beyond steroids. I'm telling you this thing was the size of a bat! which was what I thought it was at first when I opened the laundry room door, flipped on the lights, and saw this black thing flying around the bulb. I swear I heard it squeak - can they do that? do bugs even have vocal chords? I jumped back out the door and shut it as it swooped about. But then when I cautiously peeked in again it had settled on the curtain and I saw that it was actually a very large bug! like it was cross-bred with an ostritch or something. You hear about huge bugs, but you never actually see them. I'm sure I looked pretty odd crouched by the laundry room door and slowly creeping inside like I was spying, heh =) I managed to get my dry clothes without disturbing it agian. That was really rather scary though. Maybe an actuall bat would have been scarier, but it would have been pretty gross to be hit by a gigantic frenzied hairy moth too! heh......it was like Hagrid as a moth - 'too big to be allowed.'

waving the little white flag at wakefullness

2007-06-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

ok I surrender. It's not even 1pm yet on this saterday and I don't think I can cling to sleep any longer. I've managed to totallly wrench my neck with all my turning over and insisting on burying my head again, so it's not like it's even comfortable anymore. I'd forgotten how good summer is at robbing you of sleep, that is, I'd forgotten how impossible it is to sleep when it's hot and you don't have air conditioning. Fans just don't do it for me. I naturally get really hot when I sleep as it is and just blowing more warm air at me doesn't nearly help enough. Then there's also the noise that I have to get used to again, and the constant tickling of the little wispy hairs in the wind which I will never get used to. As much as heat makes me feel like doing nothing but lying around, it also prevents me from sleeping very well or very long. sigh..... I think I'll go have some ice-cream for breakfast

one man's trash.....

2007-06-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

not that you need to hear it agian, but this is going to be another one of those 'I am wierd' statements, probably which you've heard before, but I was thinking about this, so....blogpost. =)

(I'm working backward through a train of thought here)

Although I like to be truthfull even in those kind of formulaic verbal exchanges which are actually just an acknowlegement of our fellow beings rather than intrerested concerened inquireies or conversation starters, I have given up in some respects. While usually if I answer 'good' to 'how are you/how's it goin' which I more frequently do than most people I know, I truely feel that way and am not just giving you a 'Disney-fied' version of my outlook, I cannot say the same for my reply to such things as 'nice weather out' and 'it's a beautifull day isn't it?'. In these cases I just smile and nod and say yes. That is because nobody wants to hear me gripe when they're cheery and I've grown tired of having to try to explain why sunshine and heat and blue skys make me grumpy and ill and lazy, and how a good heavy thunder-shower right now would do loads for my disposition.

so, yes, I know, my treasure is (mostly) everyone else's trash. seems to happen that way a lot.

Which leads me to the subject of lemons. Actually they are a bit like sunshine now that I think about it (too caustic). People seem to like lemon. Maybe not eating actual lemons, but they definatley seem to have positive reactions to lemon flavored and lemon scented things (which are actually quite different from real lemons' smell and flavor which tends to be less sweet and more bitter, but they like that too). I, naturally, hate lemon anything. (I also hate- no, feel extreeme revulsion toward 'handi-wipes'. always have. they are slimey, and gross, and inevitably lemon scented!) So, naturally, they cut off our supply of nice, soft, absorbant, actually non-scented (not just we-didn't-try-to-cover-up-the-nasty-smell-of-this-scented) swiffers for dusting, and replaced them with lemon scented lysol wipes. I used to be the queen of dusting at work. not anymore. The also switched the regular nasty door-stop worthy frosted sugar cookies we get in the cafe (but which inevitably get delivered to me instead) to the ultra nasty door-stop worthy frosted lemon flavored cookies, which saturate their packaging in that lemony scent and after I open them it sits there reeking next to me in the trash can all afternoon. Meanwhile people rave about how good the cookies are now, and think the back-room smells nice.

My dislike of lemons extends to pretty much anything citrus, acidic, or sour. (though I adore pineapples even though they are citrus and acidic, but I like them because of their flavor, and only put up with the citrusyness and acidicness because of how much I like their sweet taste.) --remember I'm following a train of thought backwards here.-- So oranges and I are not really on friendly terms, although we do have a working relationship =)

and now I come to what I planned to post about in the first place: I had a new flavored yawn yesterday which so far takes the cake for nastiness over sharpie - orange scented chalk-board cleaner. yuck! not only would you not want to swallow that, but it's also infused with memories of childhood afternoons spent cleaning my mother's chalkboards after school. =(

sorry to sound so gripe-y I'm actually in a pleasant laid back mood seeing as it's friday and almost the longest day of the year so it's still a lazy warm-ish twillight outside at 8:30. happy solsitce =)

Open Ends

2007-06-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

If I remember correctly the Kiersy Temperament Sorter says P’s (perceiving people) are supposed to like open-ended-ness more that closed-ness because they like the potential possibilities, the options. I’d say this is in many ways true of me. I do like to make tentative plans. I want them to be probable (or at least know the rough percentage of likelihood) so I can have some idea what to expect and prepare for, and how much to allow my hopes to get up, but I don’t like to have all the details set in stone. I may be disappointed if something doesn’t work out after all, but it doesn’t disturb the core of my being just for the fact that the plan changed. Yet I’m not a totally up in the air type person. Some things I do like to view as a ‘done deal’.
What I’ve recently been contemplating is that I’ve found that it is actually easier for me to quit something right in the middle, than at a 'natural' break. I always prefer to finish an entire unit of whatever, but if I’m not going to be able to finish it then it’s easier for me to just stop instantly rather than at a sub-division. This is especially true for books. If I finish a chapter I always feel compelled to flip the page and start the next, but I can fairly easily stop mid-sentence, fold the corner down, and be relatively unbothered by thoughts about the book till the next time I have a chance to pick it up again. I’m also this way with Knitting. If I finnish a row I automatically start into the next and it’s really a conscious struggle to make myself stop. But, if I just stop in the middle of the row I’m fine. Somehow stopping in the middle breaks me out of the ‘gotta get things done, gotta get things done’ mode. I can be extreemly driven by this need to accomplish which feeds itself (the more I accomplish the more motivation I have) to the point of forgetting and pushing aside things like sleep and food and the bathroom, etc. for hours upon hours upon hours. However, once some distraction unlocks me from that mode I’m able to just get up and walk away with hardly a backward glance. Which would also explain why I have many unfinished projects. Once away, their unfinished nature does not pleague my thoughts....the ‘get it done’ trance nolonger holds me. Once I am not working, not accomplishing, I find it quite easy to merely think about a project but never lift a finger. This explains why I don’t just get up early and do things. Once asleep, once comfy in bed I have little motivation to get out of it. I may think about things I’d like to do, but they have very little weight on the scale of choices. And this also explains why I have trouble going to bed; because once I finally do get around to starting something I get locked in and don’t want to stop till it’s completely done - partly because I know if I leave now in the middle it’s likely I won’t get back to it.
One thing in which I absolutely hate open-ended-ness in, however, is space. If I’m in a room I want the door closed. I don’t like open doors, they make me uneasy - I feel like I’m on display in a fishbowl. Open windows are also unsettling. While a room may need the breeze from outside I am always reluctant to open a window, or remain in a room once I have. If I do it feels rather like I’ve got the radio on quietly tuned to fuzz - it’s just back there, something’s not quite right, I can’t feel totally focused. I’m terribly sensitive to drafts which I find uncomfortable and distracting. I also greatly dislike un-used space. I’m not terribly fond of open space in general, but if it’s settled, if it’s used though open - which is possible - it’s ok. No-man’s-lands really bother on me though. I especially can’t stand unfilled corners. Even if the whole wall is empty, there HAS to be something in the corners (and if there’s a big lump of stuff in the center, I will probably divide it into the corners in order to feel more at ease). Another similar thing is that I simply cannot be on my bed without pulling the covers up. It just feels too wierd and open, because somehow the covers are supposed to be there. I also almost always prefer to have something in my lap if I’m sitting - no open space - the lap is a receptical for something, like an empty basket, it needs to be filled. I don’t walk around with blankets wrapped around me - unless I’m cold - but when sitting or laying, somehow it just seems like there ought to be something on top of me. I think somehow pulling the covers up or holding a couch pillow works like a bookend. It makes me feel settled, rather than having that open-ended tipping, on the edge of a cliff feeling. It says, you are here to stay, you are not about to get up, and thus allows me to relax, rather than feeling anticipatory.

Ultimate Dorkdom II

2007-06-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

You know you're a dork when it's not toilet paper trailing behind you as you come out of the bathroom, but your friend's bathroom matt!

...But since this little episode took place at a good friend's house and not somewhere public it wasn't embarrasing, it was just really really funny =) You see, I've got these plain ordinary black knitt pants....which seem to be imbued with magnetic powers. I would say it's just loads of static, except that they don't cling to eachother, or my leggs, nor do they crackle. They do atrract constelations of white lint which won't come off, and they still have a few ornery burrs embedded in the hems from some wilderness ramble past, but there was no way that I could have expected to stand up from the pot with the entire -rather heavy rubber bottomed I might add- bathmat firmly affixed to my leggs. It was like velcro or something...only it wasn't velcro. anyway....heh...

too many cooks in the kitchen....or the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing

2007-05-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

hooked on phonix, linguistics, creative thinking, spellling bees....there's just way too much in my brain jostling for control when it comes to typing.

I am writing this now because I just witnessed a very singular typo - performed by my very own fingers without the concent of my concious mind.

It wasn't one of those 'oops my fingers are clumsy' typos, no, it wasn't a stab in the dark becauase I have no clue how to spell this thing typo, it wasn't a linguistics gone ballistic typo, it wasn't a jumping ahead to catch up with my thoughts typo.... I think I'd have to call it an 'involuntary creative spelling'. The word in question was very common, and very simple, but something intervened and made it a bit more complicated. I didn't even notice it till I read over my paragraph, and then I had to do a double take. what was that? did I miss a t??

no, uh....I just typed 'my' as 'migh'.

- agh! and just here and now I typed 'as' as 'and'! Several things must be up there playing with the connections in my brain, switching them back and forth and fighting over how they ought to go..'is it red with red, or no, maybe it's blue with red' 'no you've got to connect the white one with the blue one, and the red one goes over here.' 'but then what do I do with the yellow?' 'oh, I don't know, just stick it somwhere'.... something like that, heh =)

Mornings

2007-05-06T23:11:00.001-07:00

I lift my hands
Originally uploaded by aelthwyn.

I'm not a morning person....whenever I can I avoid getting up in the AM hours. But this isn't to say I actually hate morning. I hate having to get up and be sociable and productive and active in the morning yes, but there are something that I really love about the morning that you just don't get any other time of day. I love the quiet peacefullness, that fresh, serene atmosphere the early morning has.

Strangely enough I'm actually kind of glad I have to go to work as early as I do. Although I'd prefer not to get there till 3 pm, if I have to work in the morning I really don't want it to be any later than 8, because after that things start getting busy, and noisy, and hot. But early, when the sun hasn't been out for long the world is still at peace and I don't mind so much being out in it in my groggy state...it's not so overwhelming yet. I actually really enjoy my walks to work, particularly since I go through a couple parks and the main street has lots of nice landscaping along it. When my eyes are actually open (often I walk with them closed - I'm pretty good at that) I find my soul is fed by the beautifull dewy leaves and flowers and grass. I almost always want to stop and take pictures, but usually I don't have time. Earlier this week though I managed it, so here's my favorite one. I put up a few more on the flickr site - so go be refreshed =)

bloodletting II: maybe my subconcious has it in for me

2007-04-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

I totally sliced my finger on a knife today while washing dishes. The very same finger, in fact, which I totally sliced a couple months ago on a broken glass - which still hasn't totally healed. It was definatley a gusher....I popped it in my mouth and ran about looking for a bandaid while emitting plaintive noises, but then I couldn't find the bandaids, and once I did I couldn't get one open one-handedly, but by the ammount of blood I was swallowing I didn't dare take it out and try to use it. After a long struggle I proved that it is actually possible to unwrap a bandaid one-left-handedly (I even neosporinized it=), so I stuck it quick under the faucet again and got it all bundled up in bandaids while it screamed at me. AND THEN as I'm sniffing back the tears my nose has the audacity to start bleeding! It's like my body was rebelling and trying to splurt as much blood as it could manage - as if it said "fine, you won't let me get it out that way, I'll find another, and you can't stop me! mwahahaha"

Black Jelly Beans

2007-04-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am happy to announce a discovery for the few of you out there who, like me, eagerly accept others' cast off black jelly beans at Easter. Today I inadvertantly discovered a black-licorice lover's tea. The brand is "Wissotzky Tea" (found in the kosher section of Ralphs) and the flavor is very misleadingly named "Vanilla." The moment I broke the plastic seal, however, the sweet smell of anis filled my nostrels. Not what I expected, but it was no unpleasant surprise. Although the flavor wasn't strong, I found it rather addicting. In spite of the fact that I was really in the mood for some comforting vanilla and after the first sip to confirm the connection of the scent and the taste I set the cup aside, I kept finding myself thinking, 'well, just one more sip. okay, maybe one more. how about another. well I might as well finish it off.' =)

phantom rye bread

2007-02-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

When I yawn I get these random after-tastes (they never have anything to do with recently eaten foods, in fact they're not even always foods at all). pretty wierd. Currently it's rye bread - like the ghosts of rye breads past coming back to haunt my throat, mwahaha! =) Chocolate yawns are pretty good. But sometimes it's stuff like sharpie marker, or clean laundry, or pine. I'd actually have to say the laundry one is my favorite - always makes me feel warm and fuzzy. yeah, I know I'm strange. heh.

do you have flavored yawns???

His voice

2007-01-22T23:48:00.000-08:00

This is what He says to me:
Revel My child!
you are My joy
twirl and sing
that they may see
that they may hear
that I might laugh
for I made you to be My joy in the world

may I never let the eyes of men make me ashamed of His joy, for it is a gift beyond the worth of all the world.

sappyness gone sour, or 'Why is a vampire like a butterfly?'

2007-01-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

I was looking at pictures of butterflies today. I was thinking awww...how sweet, a butterfly kissing a flower....AND sucking up it's nectar. It doesn't love the flower, it just wants to eat. So it struck me that butterflys are kind of like vampires.

Elfwood

2007-01-15T22:31:00.000-08:00

I'm finally on elfwood! I don't have much up there, since most of my 'art' is nature photos which are on deviantart, but I had been meaning to join for several years now, so I'm glad I finally did =) I'm not sure why the thumbnails aren't showing up in my gallery there though - all you get is links with the titles. oh well. if you feel like it you can check it out.

http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/art/a/e/aelthwyn/aelthwyn.html

brownie darts

2006-12-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

I got shot by one today in my own kitchen. I don't know where they're lurking around here, but I've suspected their presence for a long time.
I was just making some tea, minding my own business....I switched off the heat, turned around to reach for the tea container and the next thing I know my thumb is stinging for no apparent reason, till I look at it and see this little black sliver-like thing protruding from the center of it. I was not touching anything, let alone any wood so there's no way I could have gotten a splinter. Seriously, where did that come from!
so you have it, the only answer: brownie darts.

broken reccord

2006-12-15T19:03:00.000-08:00

I love to sing, and when I'm alone I will often sing on and on without even really thinking about it, so much that I wear myself out and start to find myself annoying. One of the most vexing things is that my brain seems to get stuck on just a few tunes. And it's not like it's one tune for a while and then another one, and so forth...it's the same tunes for years and years. I wouldn't know the statistics but it's a good bet when I open my mouth one of about three tunes will pop out: Think of Me, and Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera, or Greensleves/What Child is this. Sometimes I think I would punch myself in the mouth if it were possible when one of those insists on blocking all other tunes from my mind. I'll stand there wanting to sing but not being able to make a peep unless it's one of those three, yet again. Or I'll suddenly find myself singing one of them for the 10th time that day and get the urge to just let out a blood curdling scream. I actually really like all those tunes, and I do enjoy singing them, just not over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over......

Life is Good

2006-12-11T20:18:00.000-08:00

There are few things that make life beautifull like music.
I wish I could share all the songs I love with you, but of course what is beautifull to one isn’t always to another.
so go listen to your favorite song, and enjoy this glorious moment with me =)

you know you're reading too much manga...

2006-12-07T23:12:00.000-08:00

noname-manga
Originally uploaded by aelthwyn.

"Customer Order: Name, No"
....when that looks like a real name.

....and then you draw a comic about your linguistically rewired brain malfucntions because you're having trouble thinking in prose. - I won't be starting my own web-comic, heh, but I captured the sequence pretty well. You'll have to view the pic in full size to actually read it*

Nah-may sounds like kind of a cute name don't you think?

*for those non-manga readers, if I know any, you have to read right to left, top to bottom - starting on the righthand page.

the grand scheme

2006-11-29T18:19:00.000-08:00

"Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"

So we had this mandatory morning meeting from HELL. Some block-head decided the way to boost moral and spread Christmas cheer and enthusiasm was to drag everyone out of their beds before 7AM on a Saterday and make them play dumb games with a very pop-quizzish slant to them. However, God is good, even if it's not always to me. As I left the house I came upon a little worm writhing on the already dry pavement with a few ants crawling on him.
'Never fear! I shall save thee little bug!'
I scooped him up on a leaf and put him down in the midst of nice moist soil he could snuggle down into. Yes, God even cares about little worms...enough to boot me out of bed snarling and hissing. So maybe, when you(or I) need someone, He'll boot somebody else out of bed too. Somehow, as horrible as that morning was, it was all worth it, because one life was saved, even if it was only a worm's. When things aren't going your way, when all your world looks grey, maybe this moment isn't about you, maybe it's about someone else, maybe it's about a little worm frying in the sun. I guess He really was doing something for me though, I don't regret that day afterall. heh.

ok that was really sappy, but...*shrug*

Rachmoninov’s second piano concerto

2006-11-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

The more I listen to it the more I like it.
I love the begining of the first movement after the initial piano when the strings join all heavy and dark and thick.
The seccond movement has one of the most tender sadly-sweet melodies I’ve ever heard. It’s so beautifull, during the begining part I have to pause and close my eyes and soak it in like a sponge* that has been in the desert. I can hardly help crying sometimes from the beauty of it.

If you get a chance listen to it and tell me what you think.

*I'm thinking ocean sponge, as in live animal sponge. But not as in Sponge Bob.

like talking with your mouth full at a nice restaraunt

2006-11-27T17:43:00.000-08:00

reading certain books in public can be hazardous to your pride and social standing. ...well at least if you read like I do. I get very involved with the characters and react outloud. I make faces, giggle, squeal with delight, talk back, sometimes read aloud, and generaly interact with the book. Say...if one of the characters is being particularly stupid I will often roll my eyes and hit my forhead with the book, if something happens that I predicted I exclaim triumphantly, if something really happy happens I will bounce up and down and grin exstatically, etc. So....when walking or sitting in a public place this can draw some very unwanted attention. heh. like today. I had to put away my book as I walked home because I could tell I was gearing up towards making quite a scene on state street. You ask what book? I'm on the 8th volume of Hana-Kimi, a cute sappy romantic comedy manga.

sunshowerdance

Danish Cookie Dilema

the things I think about

Tree Decorating

What is it with colds and not sleeping at night?!

Why are all the long haired princesses Blond!?

so the ice-cold days of Autumn are returning

sticking out like a sore thumb

Technical Frustrations!

SPs in Movies

love-hate

My Favorite Artists

Guitar: a Musical Phenomenon

Slow Reader

good chocolate

Spoilers

People Watching as an Alien

Wannabe Wierdos

some thoughts on music and the 'many'

Pie

Background Noise

Wonder-full Music

Struggling to Identify with the Profile Description

Impossible Hair

prospects

Owlish

facebook

why I like kiersy best

Trying to understand Sensing vs. Intution

grilled cheese

a couple of thoughts on a sunny afternoon

one fry short of a.....

cereal

In a world without edges, only unending horizons

The Mysterious Art of Flipping Eggs

Why is a Raven like a Writing Desk?

exasperation!

the magic of sun and water

It's only a Bug

ever so gratefull

Stuffed

Moneysworth

Alice in Wonderland

mmmmmmmm honey.....^_______^

somebody keeps sneeking an extra day into the week

Contemplations on a Theme of Science Fiction

Love

cleaning dripped wax off from keyboard

a great cosmic question over a bedtime snack

wish list.......

Abundance

a beautifull day in the neighborhood

feeling beautifull

I Love Lewis!

Divine Fashion Advice

wait what?!

cullinary brilliancey =D

Sunlight Mainfested as Wings

Summer Snowflakes

sleepdrugged

Conspicuosity

Touching Other Worlds

stroke of genius

"A man drowned in his bed?! Impossible!"

so, um...what about mental health benefits?

gah!

wierd dog

temporary

True Love

further ruminations on morningness and nightness

do-do-do-do *twilight zone theme plays* ;)

bounce bounce

i wish you wouldn't tell me about it, you have this way of making everything sound reasonable and then rooms begin to burn......

Lament!

Nothing could be finer....

As if you're doing it for the Lord

Life....

Quizes =)

The Phantom of the Laundry Room is There Inside My Nose

all in a dither

do-do-do-do twilight zone theme plays ;)