lost & forlorne

My computer currently has two functions: writing surface and place-mat. It went psycho on me a few days ago - lots of random multi-colored psychedelic lines flashing across the screen and then completely non-responsive. Its a very odd sensation. Like having half one's brain gone. I wander aimlessly, unable to think what to do. I sit and stare at it and try to hold back the tears. Somehow, just having it there, even if I'm not doing something with it, makes things feel more complete, more together. I think the thing I miss most though is iTunes. I really don't know how to cope without my music. It is a refuge, a reminder of bright and beautifull things. It helps me relax, or gives me energy. I turn it on in the morning so I don't just fall back to sleep as soon as the alarm goes off. I tend to measure time in song-tracks. Having no sense of time myself, I can remember how long different songs are and thereby measure how much time I've spent, like in the shower; and I know which song on my 'morning music' playlist is the signal that I need to be getting out of here. I don't really have any other thing to play my music on right now, since my speakers are broken so I can't just plug my iPod in (and earphones often bugg me, and aren't practical for doing things like getting dressed with), and I have gotten so addicted to playlists it's hard for me to just listen to one CD all the way through. sigh.... I am also forced now to handwrite my thoughts and ideas and lists etc. but somehow I find it hard to think with a pen in hand anymore. In front of the screen my thoughts just flow right into the keys, but with a pen and my terrible handwriting (and these damned pens that don't work- I seem to have gotten a whole boxfull of duds, they look like they have ink, but it doesn't come out) my thoughs just sort of stop, and feel all choppy.
At least I can use Tracy's old computer, though it makes this annoying buzzing noise when it's on so I can't stand it for very long, and it doesn't have any of my stuff on it. Luckilly though, my computer's problem is supposed to be a defect covered by Apple, so I can send it in for free to have that fixed - that is a definate plus - but in the meantime I hope I can manage to pull myself together enough. Yes I suppose it is pretty pathetic that I feel this pathetic without it. sigh....

run run run, as fast as you can!

I made gingerbread men today, yum =) (well, actually I made circles instead of men) I love gingerbread sooo much! The dough is great too. I think maybe it's the molasses I really like, I don't know, but I find few sweets more satisfying. Aside from chocolate and custard I think gingerbread is the only other sweet I actually crave regularly.
Something I've discovered I like to do is make up dough and then just keep it in the fridge and make a few fresh cookies at a time in the toaster over, which takes less time than the regular one, rather than making them all up at once.
Unfortuneately I discovered that grape juice tastes wierd with molasses, so I can't have my favorite drink with my favorite cookie, but then milk always tastes best with cookies anyway. =)

yes, I am happy =)