waving the little white flag at wakefullness

ok I surrender. It's not even 1pm yet on this saterday and I don't think I can cling to sleep any longer. I've managed to totallly wrench my neck with all my turning over and insisting on burying my head again, so it's not like it's even comfortable anymore. I'd forgotten how good summer is at robbing you of sleep, that is, I'd forgotten how impossible it is to sleep when it's hot and you don't have air conditioning. Fans just don't do it for me. I naturally get really hot when I sleep as it is and just blowing more warm air at me doesn't nearly help enough. Then there's also the noise that I have to get used to again, and the constant tickling of the little wispy hairs in the wind which I will never get used to. As much as heat makes me feel like doing nothing but lying around, it also prevents me from sleeping very well or very long. sigh..... I think I'll go have some ice-cream for breakfast

one man's trash.....

not that you need to hear it agian, but this is going to be another one of those 'I am wierd' statements, probably which you've heard before, but I was thinking about this, so....blogpost. =)

(I'm working backward through a train of thought here)

Although I like to be truthfull even in those kind of formulaic verbal exchanges which are actually just an acknowlegement of our fellow beings rather than intrerested concerened inquireies or conversation starters, I have given up in some respects. While usually if I answer 'good' to 'how are you/how's it goin' which I more frequently do than most people I know, I truely feel that way and am not just giving you a 'Disney-fied' version of my outlook, I cannot say the same for my reply to such things as 'nice weather out' and 'it's a beautifull day isn't it?'. In these cases I just smile and nod and say yes. That is because nobody wants to hear me gripe when they're cheery and I've grown tired of having to try to explain why sunshine and heat and blue skys make me grumpy and ill and lazy, and how a good heavy thunder-shower right now would do loads for my disposition.

so, yes, I know, my treasure is (mostly) everyone else's trash. seems to happen that way a lot.

Which leads me to the subject of lemons. Actually they are a bit like sunshine now that I think about it (too caustic). People seem to like lemon. Maybe not eating actual lemons, but they definatley seem to have positive reactions to lemon flavored and lemon scented things (which are actually quite different from real lemons' smell and flavor which tends to be less sweet and more bitter, but they like that too). I, naturally, hate lemon anything. (I also hate- no, feel extreeme revulsion toward 'handi-wipes'. always have. they are slimey, and gross, and inevitably lemon scented!) So, naturally, they cut off our supply of nice, soft, absorbant, actually non-scented (not just we-didn't-try-to-cover-up-the-nasty-smell-of-this-scented) swiffers for dusting, and replaced them with lemon scented lysol wipes. I used to be the queen of dusting at work. not anymore. The also switched the regular nasty door-stop worthy frosted sugar cookies we get in the cafe (but which inevitably get delivered to me instead) to the ultra nasty door-stop worthy frosted lemon flavored cookies, which saturate their packaging in that lemony scent and after I open them it sits there reeking next to me in the trash can all afternoon. Meanwhile people rave about how good the cookies are now, and think the back-room smells nice.

My dislike of lemons extends to pretty much anything citrus, acidic, or sour. (though I adore pineapples even though they are citrus and acidic, but I like them because of their flavor, and only put up with the citrusyness and acidicness because of how much I like their sweet taste.) --remember I'm following a train of thought backwards here.-- So oranges and I are not really on friendly terms, although we do have a working relationship =)

and now I come to what I planned to post about in the first place: I had a new flavored yawn yesterday which so far takes the cake for nastiness over sharpie - orange scented chalk-board cleaner. yuck! not only would you not want to swallow that, but it's also infused with memories of childhood afternoons spent cleaning my mother's chalkboards after school. =(

sorry to sound so gripe-y I'm actually in a pleasant laid back mood seeing as it's friday and almost the longest day of the year so it's still a lazy warm-ish twillight outside at 8:30. happy solsitce =)

Open Ends

If I remember correctly the Kiersy Temperament Sorter says P’s (perceiving people) are supposed to like open-ended-ness more that closed-ness because they like the potential possibilities, the options. I’d say this is in many ways true of me. I do like to make tentative plans. I want them to be probable (or at least know the rough percentage of likelihood) so I can have some idea what to expect and prepare for, and how much to allow my hopes to get up, but I don’t like to have all the details set in stone. I may be disappointed if something doesn’t work out after all, but it doesn’t disturb the core of my being just for the fact that the plan changed. Yet I’m not a totally up in the air type person. Some things I do like to view as a ‘done deal’.
What I’ve recently been contemplating is that I’ve found that it is actually easier for me to quit something right in the middle, than at a 'natural' break. I always prefer to finish an entire unit of whatever, but if I’m not going to be able to finish it then it’s easier for me to just stop instantly rather than at a sub-division. This is especially true for books. If I finish a chapter I always feel compelled to flip the page and start the next, but I can fairly easily stop mid-sentence, fold the corner down, and be relatively unbothered by thoughts about the book till the next time I have a chance to pick it up again. I’m also this way with Knitting. If I finnish a row I automatically start into the next and it’s really a conscious struggle to make myself stop. But, if I just stop in the middle of the row I’m fine. Somehow stopping in the middle breaks me out of the ‘gotta get things done, gotta get things done’ mode. I can be extreemly driven by this need to accomplish which feeds itself (the more I accomplish the more motivation I have) to the point of forgetting and pushing aside things like sleep and food and the bathroom, etc. for hours upon hours upon hours. However, once some distraction unlocks me from that mode I’m able to just get up and walk away with hardly a backward glance. Which would also explain why I have many unfinished projects. Once away, their unfinished nature does not pleague my thoughts....the ‘get it done’ trance nolonger holds me. Once I am not working, not accomplishing, I find it quite easy to merely think about a project but never lift a finger. This explains why I don’t just get up early and do things. Once asleep, once comfy in bed I have little motivation to get out of it. I may think about things I’d like to do, but they have very little weight on the scale of choices. And this also explains why I have trouble going to bed; because once I finally do get around to starting something I get locked in and don’t want to stop till it’s completely done - partly because I know if I leave now in the middle it’s likely I won’t get back to it.
One thing in which I absolutely hate open-ended-ness in, however, is space. If I’m in a room I want the door closed. I don’t like open doors, they make me uneasy - I feel like I’m on display in a fishbowl. Open windows are also unsettling. While a room may need the breeze from outside I am always reluctant to open a window, or remain in a room once I have. If I do it feels rather like I’ve got the radio on quietly tuned to fuzz - it’s just back there, something’s not quite right, I can’t feel totally focused. I’m terribly sensitive to drafts which I find uncomfortable and distracting. I also greatly dislike un-used space. I’m not terribly fond of open space in general, but if it’s settled, if it’s used though open - which is possible - it’s ok. No-man’s-lands really bother on me though. I especially can’t stand unfilled corners. Even if the whole wall is empty, there HAS to be something in the corners (and if there’s a big lump of stuff in the center, I will probably divide it into the corners in order to feel more at ease). Another similar thing is that I simply cannot be on my bed without pulling the covers up. It just feels too wierd and open, because somehow the covers are supposed to be there. I also almost always prefer to have something in my lap if I’m sitting - no open space - the lap is a receptical for something, like an empty basket, it needs to be filled. I don’t walk around with blankets wrapped around me - unless I’m cold - but when sitting or laying, somehow it just seems like there ought to be something on top of me. I think somehow pulling the covers up or holding a couch pillow works like a bookend. It makes me feel settled, rather than having that open-ended tipping, on the edge of a cliff feeling. It says, you are here to stay, you are not about to get up, and thus allows me to relax, rather than feeling anticipatory.

Ultimate Dorkdom II

You know you're a dork when it's not toilet paper trailing behind you as you come out of the bathroom, but your friend's bathroom matt!

...But since this little episode took place at a good friend's house and not somewhere public it wasn't embarrasing, it was just really really funny =) You see, I've got these plain ordinary black knitt pants....which seem to be imbued with magnetic powers. I would say it's just loads of static, except that they don't cling to eachother, or my leggs, nor do they crackle. They do atrract constelations of white lint which won't come off, and they still have a few ornery burrs embedded in the hems from some wilderness ramble past, but there was no way that I could have expected to stand up from the pot with the entire -rather heavy rubber bottomed I might add- bathmat firmly affixed to my leggs. It was like velcro or something...only it wasn't velcro. anyway....heh...