Sunlight Mainfested as Wings

There have been a lot of moths in the park of late and one afternoon they were al glimmering in the light slanting through the trees and it was so beautiful; one of those magical moments when it seems like the earth is singing! =)

Summer Snowflakes

well the fire season is in full swing so as I braved the heat today to take pictures in the late afternoon light which was more orange than usual and was met by a flurry of white flakes, which however were accompanied by the smell of woodsmoke rather than a crisp breeze, ah well.

Happy 4th of July!

sleepdrugged

mmm....what were those thoughts? I know I had some.......

Conspicuosity

Ever want to carry something on your head, or spontaneously leap with a surge of energy? Ever want to dance or sing? Ever realise you’re going the wrong way and keep going or take the long way ‘round ‘cause you’d look silly stopping in your tracks and doing an about face? Ever want to wear some hat, or something unusual just ‘cause you like it, but feel like it’d be too odd or ‘innapropriate’?
And do you ever wonder if perhaps the eyes you feel watching you are only your own?

It seems as though so many of our urges and quirks are reigned in and kept hidden by this pervasive social fear that one might draw negative or unwanted attention. But really, does it matter at all what people you will never see again think of you? Or even, that those you regularly encounter should know what you’re really like? I wonder how much of the pressure we feel to conform is really something we place on ourselves individually out of fear of rejection...or of simply standing out and drawing the eyes of others.

I’ve never been one to take much note of the people around me, and yet I too am subject to these, perhaps immagined, social fetters. Sometimes they win, and I always feel ashamed for it, but most of the time I break free. I’m not saying that we should be inappropriate, tactless, insensitive, and solely lead by our fleeting desires, but we’e put muzzles on dogs that don’t bite and taken the wheels off our wagons lest we should happen to steer them the wrong way. Of course one should be mindfull of others, and yet, not mindfull in that debilitating way of fearing what they may or may not think, which is completely unrelated to caring about causing them trouble. So I say, do not clip your own wings! Let thyself fly! Release the joy, the energy, the individuality you have! That’s one of the great things about kids, the don’t worry themselves overmuch abotu stuff like that, they feel free to have fun. I can’t immagine why we think it’s more mature to prevent oneself from enjoying life. And you know....I bet people would be a bit more fit too if they wouldn’t keep themselves always in ‘dignified,’ stiff, unexciting poses and actions.

As I go through the day I find that I naturally stand in ‘odd’ positions which may look rather like I’m trying to pose, but really it just feels comfortable or fits what I’m thinking/feeling. Especially when I visit museums....or when I’m browsing grocery store isles, lol.....I tend to move differently than ‘normal’ people. Hmm....a bit more dancelike I guess...in slow-mo. I seem to naturally move my feet through ballet positions....yeah, it’s not like I was really in dance much, and I did that before I took classes, interesting..... I also tend to lean back and forth or to the side wierd, and rest my arms strangely, hehe. *shrug* ...hard to explain I guess, but I don’t like to just stand there normal like most people. I guess I never really understood why standing out is such a horrible thing to some people. It’s not that I’m wanting to attract attention by what I do or wear, I just don’t care if people happen to notice. I usually just ignore whatever attention I’m getting, I figure if they feel like gawking that’s their business. And besides, I rather hope I can show other’s it’s ok to be ‘wierd’ and inspire them to feel free to do the same =)

so yes! go and feel free to be conspicuous!

Touching Other Worlds

I love these moments when listening to music it seems as though your soul bursts from this skin that houses it and touches something beyond, something more than the sounds, when it seems everyting else around you has disappeared...it’s like suddenly soaring through another world! As though your soul travles through the music and knits itself with that intangible, mysterious soul of the music, that which makes it more than vibrations and noise.

Wind is like that too sometimes.....it feels like it whisks by and snatches your soul away upon it, and you stand there in a continous moment of being swept away, feeling as though your very self has become a portal through which the wind rushes to another world into which you stare not with eyes but heart, and what there is of you standing in this earth seems a distant memory.

stroke of genius

As I was sitting in the bath last night I was hit by an idea...something which must have been rattling around and forming in there for quite a long time I suppose. Or perhaps I thought of it before and forgot. You see, back in my first year of college I had a roomate who always put on this apple scent in the morning when she got ready to go, which was qutie a while before I had to get up, and every morning I would wake up as soon as she sprayed that smell. SO! It struck me last night that if one could be trained to wake up to a smell rather than a sound, why couldn't there be alarm clocks that were set to spray some scent - I suppose whatever a person chose to fill it with - at a certain time rather than playing music. And then I realised that that would be a great alternative for the hearing imparied. I did a quick search for hearing impared alarm clocks and it seems that they have ones with flashing lights and bed shakers.
Being the loather of mornings that I am I should definately hate having to be woken in that fashion, hearing impared or not. In fact the liklihood of my actually getting up is related to how gently I am dragged from the mire, if wrenched from it I become doubly determined to return, and of course it puts me very out of sorts should I loose.
However, it seems like a scent sparyer couldn't be more difficult to make than bed shakers, and if one could choose a pleasant smell as a gentle signal that it's time to get up, I should think it would be a much easier way to wake up someone who couldn't hear, and certainly less of a harrasment for anyone sharing a bed or room with someone hard of hearing. Hmm.....I could make millions ;p

"A man drowned in his bed?! Impossible!"

I have no idea how much water I have consumed in the last 48 hours, but it is considerably more than the reccommended 8 cups a day. This past week or two I've been pleagued by some of the worst allergies I've ever experienced, aside from cats, and in fact woke up a couple nights ago thinking I was about to die being unable to breath, as though a hand were clenched round my lungs, and of course the glue-like masses clogging my throat and sinuses.

Then it struck me that perhaps what with all the dripping and blowing and sneezing I might be needing more water than normal, which might explain the putty like consistancy of all that gunk, so I made sure to drink whenever I felt dry...which was constantly. It seems to have made some difference! Perhaps it is actually washing away whatever allergines have been accumulating - if they do that, I don't know. But as I lay me down to sleep tonight I can't help thinking about that classic scene in Charade and wondering if I should die before I wake if they should rather say she hath imbibed too much, than it was the flowers that killed her.

so, um...what about mental health benefits?

gah! I'm seriously starting to go mad! And I hold Barnes and Noble completely responsible. It all started when our store, which doesn't have a music department I'd like to note, decided to play only CDs we carry all the time. Because we don't have a music section, that makes the selection extreemly limited. Unfortuneatly this new music regime conveniently coincided with the dismisal of our regular shelving crew and the decree that the recieving team (all 2 of us) will now spend half our day out shelving. Which Means! that I have to spend a good portion of the day being subjected to a broken reccord. Honnestly it feels like they've created my very own torture chamber, just for me, yes. As you already know, I hate pretty much all modern/rock music. And of course, that's what all this stuff is. The worst thing about it is that my mind has a way of getting songs, especially ones I don't like, stuck in my head. So not only do I have to deal with this while I'm at work, I get to take home my portable torture chamber and listen to these songs on repeat on my way home, and while I'm eating diner, and all night in my dreams, and when I wake up in the morning, what do you know! they're still there haunting me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

gah!

I'm sick of wheezing! Do you know how irritating that is to be constantly thinking about trying to get enough air? Thank God that's normally a subconcious/involuntary function, or we'd never get anything else done. I haven't had much asthma trouble in the last several years, but there's something out there this spring that seems to be made especially to torment me. I don't know what's blooming that's causing this, but it really needs to die!

wierd dog

I saw the strangest 'mutt' the other day. It had the body and face etc. of an English Bull Terrier, but the coloring of a greyhound. Very odd combination if you ask me.

temporary

I just realised I didn't actually post something I thought I had earlier, so I clikced 'post' now, but I didn't change when it was written, so there is a 'new' post, but it's not here at the top --see Jan 25th.

True Love

The mark of a true friend, it seems to me, is that you don't have to do anything special to have a good time, you don't have to say everything clearly to be understood, it doesn't have to be important to be worth listening to or caring about. A true friend is someone who holds that smallest part of you in their hands gently, who understands and cares about the little things in your life, not just the things worth 'writing home' about, not just the things that affect them. When they can listen to your deepest ponderings and your pointless prattlings, you know they must truely love you.

God loves each of us so much, but do we remember that in the mundane moments? Do we have a good time with Him in those every day moments, when nothing special's happening. Do we chat with Him anyway, when there's no important requests, when we're not overwhelmed with joy? And when we get frustrated by little things, or bogged down with boring details, do we remember that He cares about all those little things too, that He understands our wierd moods, and doesn't mind our sillly ramblings. He thinks we're cute, and precious, and holds that little heart of ours in His hands so lovingly. He won't stay mad at us long when we mess up, and though He's as powerfull as the crashing waves, He also whispers softly in our ears. He whisperes it all the time, 'I love you.' Do we remember to keep whispering back 'I love you too.' I think just remembering He's always there and giving Him all our little thoughts and cares makes Him happy, happy to keep holding our hands, and keep listening, and keep reminding us that He doesn't ever tune us out to take care of more important matters.

I've found that when I remember to stop and pray about all the little things, the things that don't really matter in the long run, He always blesses me with little reminders that He really is there, listening, that my life really matters to Him. And when I remember to just stop and smile up at Him when I'm happy, to say 'thanks' and 'You're so wonderfull' whenever I see something beautifull, or have a really good thought, or things are going well, or something small but nice happens, then I am filled with the sensation of His smile on me. When I remember that all these little blessings are His gifts, then I know He loves me.

further ruminations on morningness and nightness

I have observed that most morning people seem to be 'practical' types, and also somewhat conformists in the sense that they value established ways of doing things (or established uses for things. -An example of what I mean here is someone never dreaming of using a scarf for anything but a scarf simply because it was called a scarf at the store and therefore has been categorized in their mind as 'something to go around the neck for warmth' as opposed to simply 'a long piece of cloth'). What I wonder is whether there is something deeper within which links waking up with the sun (or feeling particularly energetic directly after waking up) and liking to follow instructions on the 'proper' way of doing things rather than making things up as you go along, or if this preference of morning is simply a product of the preference for established ways in light of the long accepted saying 'The early bird get's the worm' or the generally respected (even if resented) idea that getting up early in the morning means that you are not lazy (and conversely that sleeping later in the day implies laziness or some kind of lack of worth and tendancy toward wonton behaviour).

What I also find perplexing is how easily these practical people miss their own inconsistancy when refusing to cooperate with 'night people.' (Perhaps a penchant for believing oneself to (almost) always be in posession of absolute truth on matters is also somehow linked with the morning and conforming traits?) A morning person, when they have reached their limit energy-wise, will simply tell you they are going to stop whatever it is you may be doing together and go to bed - in fact they will usually say they 'have' to go to bed. And they would think it ludicrous and insensitive of someone to insist that they stay up a moment longer, and feel just in refusing to do so. Yet, when a night person tells them that they simply cannot get up at this time, that they have to sleep a little longer, they won't stand for it, and frequently launch into disparaging their character and habits, and continue to pester or even assualt them untill they are forced to get up in spite of their disinclination, or lack of the required abilities, to do so. (It would seem morning people have no qualms about dragging dead weights along with them, even though they will complain about it, blaming, of course, the dead weight and not their choice to bring it. It should be noted here that in contrast, while a night person may greately desire to keep a morning person up, and may plead, or devise ways of keeping them awake, once the statment of 'bed, now' has been made it seems they are usually willing to dismiss their 'party-pooping' presence - rather than dragging along a limp body).

On the other hand it is common for 'creative' types to be night people. I suppose perhaps that creativity is neccessarily more open ended, as it requires searching for the end of something (whether it be a piece of art, or the conclusion of a theory/experiment), seeing possibilities, and turning one thing into something else, as opposed to working methodically toward and already established ending point with already establlished tools or methods. And perhaps it is this open-ended nature that allows them to continue on indefinately in either one state or another (whether action or sleep) - thus they keep late hours (caught up in the exhilaration of inspiration) and then sleep long the next day after the work of the night before is done, or they drop with exhaustion. Morning people, then, in contrast, work all day toward the ending point of 'bed time' which is already relatively established in their minds, and then also, in a sense, sleep toward the goal of waking up, also at a relatively pre-established time in their mind. This also may tie in with 'time-oriented-ness' to some degree in respect to liking measured, established, scheduals, and predictable limits.

What I wonder, then, is whether the trend to be accepting of the fact that some people simply are lively in the morning (however incomprehensible and vexing it may be to them), which I have frequently observed in night people, is due to a general openness of mind and the understanding that something can be used as something else (in this case that the day can certainly be used for sleep and the night can certainly be used for action), both uses being perfectly acceptible because in their minds things are categorized by nature and not function (My thought here being, if you think of something fundementally as 'something that does this' you won't think of it as also being able to do something else -it goes against itself, but if you think of something as 'something with these qualities' then it could be used for anything that requires those qualities. ex: a sheet is something you cover your matress with; a large piece of cloth could be used as a sheet, or a tarp, or a cloak, or a curtain, or a knapsack, or a sail, or, or, or.......); Or if it is simply because 'liking morning's is right' has been so hammered into them by parents and teachers and culture that they can only add 'but nights are good too,' unable to escape the reality that, whether or not one way is or is not right, both types of people do exist.

Of course not everyone fits nicely onto two groups, these are just general trends I have noticed.

do-do-do-do *twilight zone theme plays* ;)

I was laying here after a nap in the usual drugged stupor when it suddenly struck me with new force just how disgusting the whole harry potter fiasco is. Betryed! we've been betrayed! It's not even like the feeling you get about a lot of TV shows: it had a good run, but by the end it had turned into an unrecognizeable cheese monster. No, the story wasn't over and done, the characters weren't gradually weeded out and replaced by fresh meat. No this was a Twilight Zone nightmare that we'll never wake up out of. We were suddenly and visciously betrayed in the middle of the story arc. The characters were mutilated beyond recognition. The plot took a dive and circled the drain. We were thrust into some alternate universe where everything that had captured us about the books was gone: the charming atmosphere dashed to pieces with a sledge hammer, the loveable characters exchanged for their 'evil twins', our questions and hopes forsaken, ignored, denied, our respect for the intricately thought out details who's relevance we only discovered later in the game replaced by cheesy notes that jump out and say 'Watch me I'm goingto be important!'

bounce bounce

happy happy joy joy! What an amazing gift every day, God has given me such a precious gift. look! here, let me share! *bounce* *giggle* *twirl* it's like being handed a personal ray of sunshine. He's so good! there are so many different bits of happiness =) but right now it's the song 'Awaya Baka' by Baka Beyond. The words that come to mind whenever I hear this are 'outrageously happy!' it just makes me smile every time! I can't help but bounce around like a silly little kid =) A couple other ones that always seem to do this too are the 1941 march by John Williams - makes you want to dance in the streets and beam at everyone you meet, and the ode to joy it just swells up one's heart like a huge baloon rising into the clouds.......joyfull joyfull we adore Thee, God of glory Lord of love...... squee!

i wish you wouldn't tell me about it, you have this way of making everything sound reasonable and then rooms begin to burn......

it's crazy how reasonable things can sound. like that staying up to finnish this will give you enough of a feeling of satisfaction that a little less sleep will be worth it, it'll be ok. Or how just five more minutes with your face planted in the pillow will be just fine and you'll be able to make it to work on time anyway....I wonder where that deluded little voice comes from, really. That whole cartoon thing about having a little devil and a little angel on your shoulder doesn't feel so far off. not that I'd necessarily call either one a devil or an angel, frequently the crazy talk of your inner mind has nothing to do with moral choices, just matters of practicality. Something sounds great, untill you see how much you'll have to put yourself through to compensate.....maybe you really would have rather done the other option, but for some reason at the time it's little voice wasn't piping up so you got a warped set of pros and cons coming at you. (or maybe there really isn't a 'better' choice it just looks that way from either side) heh....well I guess I'm choosing hell tomorrow morning, seeing as I'm typing to you right now. Ya gotta hand it to those little voices, somehow they always manage to squeeze just enough hope past your memory of past experiences to make it seem like it'll work better this time. sigh......

Lament!

why does good tea have to be so rare and so expensive in america?
I don't remember it being so outrageous in england.....maybe they have the outrageous stuff too, but it seemed even their cheap tea wasn't nasty like ours is. And it was available in large quantities, not just the little mini boxes (which still manage to cost a lot).

I've just been looking at teaforte's website, they have some of the best tea I've ever had, but still....$2.50 for one teabag? I don't want to just get nice tea for special occasions once in a while. I mean....if good tea exists, then why would you ever drink the nasty stuff?? why can't they just make all tea good and not make it if it's gonna be bad. yes I know, because people want to try and cut every corner possible and squeaze every penny out of you. yeah, I know. and I know why it has to be that way, yeah yeah.....enough with the jaded view of life retorts. It's no less stupid or aggrivating just because that's the way it is...what kind of an excuse is that? It is that way? well it shouldn't be. And if more people didn't buy into that, then, well, maybe it would be better, no?

Anyway....It's really sad that good tea is so scarce and so exhorbitantly priced. *sob*

oh! and have you seen? Lipton is now trying to copy all these fancy teamakers and is coming out with cloth teabags. ha! ................ ha! It's not the packaging, it's what's inside......we'll see if they've actualy improved on their cardboard shavings or not.

Nothing could be finer....

than moments like these. With that old-time Christmas feeling in the air, sitting at home with a hot cup of tea, the scent of the Christmas tree filling the house, and beautifull music washing over you. sigh....

=)

As if you're doing it for the Lord

I think this has got to be one of the most frequently misused ideas in modern Christianity. So often I've heard this phrase used to try to turn people into paranoid perfectionists, afraid that somehow if they don't do something really well they're failing as Christians. The irony, I think, is that the center of Christian beliefe is that God has loved us in spite of our shortcomings, in spite of our sin and rebellion, so if we are doing things for Him, wouldn't it be with the knowledge that He knows we are but dust? And yet people scare others away from bringing their honnest, if feeble, offerings by implying that one has to strive to be excellent in everything or else they must not really be doing things as if for God. That is an absolutely ludicrous idea. It takes us out of God's grace and back into the trap that all other religions end up boiling down to - you must save yourself: By doing this, by saying that, by striving to become perfect, by dedication and effort you must gain your salvation. NO! God has provided attonement, He has granted forgiveness, and He has given us His spirit to live inside us and help guide us out of the destructive ways we are mired in in this life. His hand upholds us, not our own two legs. I think that 'doing things as if for God' means with a spirit of communion with and service toward Him. It means looking for His hand in every day life, looking for what he is doing and choosing your actions to follow along with His, it means letting Him work through you and acting with a heart that is in sync. with His. It's not how well you are able to do things or how hard you try to be perfect in everything, it's listening for His guidance, and dedicating all the sucess to Him. We are very limited beings, we simply cannot do everything to our utmost - overdrive is called overdrive for a reason. We have to choose what to focus more effort on and what we have to resign to the 'backburner'. But even the things we can't spend all our efforts on we can do with a heart that is in step with the Spirit of God, with love, with mercy and justice, with the desire to give Him glory and thanks. That is doing things as if for the Lord.

Life....

....is good
things may be tough
and exhausting
and even depressing
but somehow....
....life is always good.
because there are always moments like these,
small moments
when something is just perfect.
when a warm finger of sunlight touches your cheek
when your tummy is full and satisfied with the cheap soup you got for dinner
when the wind ripples through the leaves and the green fills your spirit
when your head sinks perfectly into your pillow far too late in the night, but somehow it feels better than ever.
life is good.
yes.
Praise be to God!